So, last week…

was a really tough week.

I found out a lot of information, some old, but new to me.  There was just a lot to take in during only one week.

I think that I had lulled myself into thinking that X couldn’t hurt me anymore, that our physical distance gave me some kind of emotional armor.  And that’s not true.  That’s what last week proved to me, over and over and over again.

I won’t be specific about everything, but you remember Dolores?  Good neighbor and friend of X, who apparently has been providing much aid and comfort since my departure–remember?  Well, she’s getting a divorce, too.  I guess it’s going around.  Must be something in the water.  Oh, and apparently there were a number of people who wondered if something was going on with them well before I left.  Nice.

It looks like, through some shady dealing, X may try to harm my credit.  Not sure how badly.  It has to do with the house, and there’s probably not anything I can do about it.

Those are just two examples from last week.  And I hate that he can make me hurt.  And I hate that it is still so easy to pull that blanket of denial over my head, to bury my head in the sand, and to immerse myself in a false sense of security.  And it took me a while, but I finally figured out that THAT was what was bothering me.  That he can still get to me.

(As I’m writing this, I’m feeling something that can only be described as survivor’s guilt.  Maybe it’s about Luna–from the last post).  Maybe it’s about other bloggers I read, or other stories I’ve heard that were so much worse than my own, but some little voice in my head–it is not a kind voice–is telling me to quit my whining, because I DON’T REALLY KNOW.

And I’m trying hard not to go down that path, as I would advise anyone else to avoid it like the plague.)

This week feels better than last week, though the circumstances are basically the same.  I’m figuring out, or remembering, how to deal with the fact of my own vulnerability.  I’m not sure I can really put it into words, but if I can, you’ll hear about it.

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8 responses to “So, last week…

  1. This situation bites. I’m sorry. When I split with my ex-fiancee I had an awesome lawyer who helped me with the financial hell I was about to endure. (we had property and joint-accounts). Know this – you will survive it, it will suck, but it will get better.

    And whine away – that’s what our blogs are for. Your pain is real. It may be different than what someone else is going through but it’s still real. I’m glad this week is better! One day at a time. :)

  2. You can always wait out or explain the credit situation. I hope you don’t suffer too much from that, but it’s not the end of the world. It’s just hard to understand why someone who was supposed to love you continues to try and make your life miserable.

    The Dolores situation, though – you might want to start feeling sorry for her. It’s doubtful that your leopard will change his spots with her, so she will be in for a treat if she seriously hooks up with him.

    You’re resilient. You’ll survive. Then you’ll flourish.

  3. Honey…you can bounce back from bad credit and you can put a note of explanation on the credit bureau records. Don’t let the bastard get you down.

  4. Sorry you had such a hard time (happy that this week was better).
    Am glad though that you can see beyond what you call survival’s guilt. Yes, some stories might be worse than your story, while others might be better, but this is your story. Unrelated to any other stories, you had a hard time, you were being abused (and I don’t know much about abuse, but I would think that verbal abuse is so difficult since it is not seen by anyone, not even you yourself, like you said, you didn’t even know you were being abused). The very least you deserve is to be able to whine all you want and need. We will listen to you and Luna and whoever needs to be listened to.
    Many hugs.

  5. I’m sorry that last week was so tough and also that he’s still trying to hurt you. Hopefully he won’t be able to do too much damage. I’m glad you’re doing better this week. Please don’t feel like you’re whining. You’ve been through a lot. It’s a lot to process and to heal from. Allow yourself what you need to get through the healing process. Hugs to you.

  6. I’m so sorry you’re being hurt again. It doesn’t matter how your pain compares to others because there is no comparison. Pain is pain, no matter what. It’s OK to hurt. You’re dealing with the hurt and that says a lot about how far you’ve become. It sucks that Mr. X is being like this and I wish he wasn’t, but know that you are NOT whinnying. You are surviving. Damn well, i might add.
    *HUGS*

  7. Reading about that Dolores business, I think there may have been connections even before you separated from Mr. X.

    But the point is, he knows you are still raw, and I think that you still feel for him…he has some grip on you that is still strong…that is why, he can get through all that safety net and hit right where it hurts…

    I am so sad that you are still feeling so vulnerable…..can you move to a different city/take up a different job, just go travel the world or something….

  8. dragonflymama

    you are *not* whining. what you’re going through is all too real, and what you are doing, and working very hard at doing, is working through it. the guilt isn’t good or necessary; surviving is. keep pushing, and keep talking about it and processing. like beautiful mess says, pain is pain. and what you’ve been through and are going through is not to be trivialized! what you are doing is amazing, because you are not letting your pain or your vulnerability stop you from pushing forward and healing, and that is what most people call courage. sending you light! and thanks for sending me some–i really appreciated your comment on my post.

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