dipping my toes back in the water

I thought about blogging today.

That is, I started forming a post in my mind, which is something that hasn’t happened for several months.

Now, of course, I don’t remember that practice-post, other than I think it was something about my upcoming 35th birthday, which is a big one for any woman who would like to have children.

So that post may come back later, but for now, I’m contemplating St. Elsewhere’s question, which she posted, um, elsewhere:

Are you happy to leave this year behind or more excited at the prospect of the oncoming year?

I am mostly happy at the prospect of the coming year.  2011 remains in a fog for me.  Not much happened, neither within nor without.  I am feeling happy and ready to move forward, to shake things up.

Maybe I’ll even blog about it.

something to make you laugh

I just read this and laughed the entire way through.  It is particularly good for people who have experience with dogs.

Read it and let me know if you liked it.

 

perfect moment monday: one year later

I’ve been thinking a lot in the past week or so about this time one year ago.  It was just about this time that I started going really crazy living at my parents’ house and starting to feel like I needed to get out of there now.

One year ago I was in the throes of divorce details, worried about my house selling (which eventually went into foreclosure), and was basically swimming in a sea of angst about Mr. X.

One year ago I was jobless, had very little money in the bank, was living with mom and dad, and was having a very difficult time imagining a better future.

Today…today is amazing.  Today I have a good job in a great city, I no longer have to depend on my parents’ help for my basic needs, and I have a great place to live.  The best thing, however, is the change within myself.  I noticed this weekend, at the second of two get-togethers with some dear friends and several of their friends (who have brought me into the circle without question) that I had a sense of belonging and peace that was quite foreign to me a year ago.  Today I don’t feel like the “pause” button is set on my life anymore.  Last night I laughed with friends, enjoyed food, and was happy.

Pretty darn perfect.

Read about some more perfect moments over at Lavender Luz’s.

blue skies

(Hey ICLWers—this month’s intro post is here, though you’re welcome to read anything you want. )

The great med switch of 2010 appears (so far) to be going well.  I’m starting to feel normal again.  I was even able to sit and (mostly) focus all day Monday and Tuesday at a training.  Chalk one up for the good guys.

It somewhat feels like I’m starting to wake up after being mostly asleep for several weeks, like walking out of a fog into clear air.

It feels much better.

There was the whole spiral of “why don’t I feel better?  what’s wrong with me?” and now it seems pretty clear that the problem wasn’t me, it was those little blue pills I was taking every morning.  Huh.

There’s a couple of more substantial posts that I keep hoping to write, but the writer’s block has me in its grip, so I decided to stop waiting for the perfect post and just write something.  Hopefully, I’ll be able to get those posts out of me and down on paper (so to speak) soon.

Until then I’m just enjoying being awake.

peeking my head out

The worst seems to be over.  I’ll try to write a meaningful post tomorrow, but for tonight, let me just say, thanks for being there (’cause if you’re reading this post, then you haven’t given up on me, yet).

Socks post will come.

Maybe even a perfect moment post.

See you very soon.

cake day

Because my birthday falls so close to the beginning of the calendar year, all of the new year’s introspection and resolutions and all that seems to get conflated with my thoughts about adding another notch to my birthday belt.  Thirty-three as of today.

Last year’s birthday post was called “Can I Have a Do-Over?“  That should tell you something about the space I was in at the time.

Well, I don’t think I want a do-over this year.  Though my whole life was turned upside down and then some last year, and though there are a few things that are up in the air right now, I’m much happier with where I am than I was a year ago.  And that’s really saying something (what with the trashed credit, the loads of debt, and the grief that still pops up and hits me pretty often).

Right now I feel like I am on the verge of some amazing things in my life.  Where I am now is so much better than where I was when I turned thirty-two.  I have a lot less money in my bank account than I did last year,  but I don’t have to justify my spending to anyone.  I live in a much smaller space than I did a year ago, but I love, love, love coming home to it, and when I’m there, I’m not walking on eggshells for anyone.  Things feel a bit up in the air about my job at the moment, but I have a certainty that things will be OK, and whatever future I walk into, I won’t be chained to someone who holds me in contempt unless I kowtow to his every whim.

I am excited about what this year—my first full year of freedom—has in store.  Happy birthday to me.

goodbye 2009

I have a lot of mixed feelings about 2009.  Don’t get me wrong, I am so happy to flip that calendar page over and start anew with 2010, but I am definitely happy that I went through this past year.  And I am happy it’s over.

2009 is not a road I wish to travel again, but I am glad I made the journey.

At the beginning of 2009, I had just started blogging.  I received my first comment on my new year’s post.  I didn’t really know who any of you other bloggers were, and I had no idea how much I would rely on your support throughout the coming year.

2009 saw the final spiraling down of my marriage.  It saw my realizing the extent of the problems with Mr. X.  It saw me decide to leave him, and then leave—the most difficult decision of my life, and the best thing I have ever done for myself.

This last year saw me pass through incredible grief.  It saw me through the most painful and demanding process I’ve ever gone through—my divorce.  At the end of 2009, I am left with only two vestiges of my connections to X—I am waiting on my Jewish divorce, the get, and I am trying to separate out my debt from his with the mortgage company we owe money to after the foreclosure.

I feel incredibly hopeful about the year to come.  I am getting stronger all the time and feeling more like the me I think I was meant to be.

If this last year has taught me anything, it is that we really don’t know what may be around the corner.  What I am planning for, however, for the coming year is:

• taking two photography classes, starting in January and March,
• going to visit my dear friends in the Netherlands in April/May,
• starting therapy (as soon as my new insurance kicks in and I find a good therapist).

It will be amazing to see where I am a year from now.  It will be incredible to see the positive changes that this next year will usher in.

Bring it on.

say my name, say my name

Today was all about traipsing from one government office to another (really just two) and to my bank and to the fax machine at the Stap.les store (twice for that one)—all in the name of the long-awaited legal name change.  I received the “certified” court documents for my divorce late yesterday afternoon.  Since my mail comes too late in the day, I wasn’t able to start the process yesterday, but I set my alarm (during my vacation even!) and spent a long day of waiting in line, talking to customer service reps on the phone, and getting stuff done.

Everything is official now, though it will take anywhere from a few days (bank cards) to a few weeks (driver’s license) to get my new stuff with my new/old name on it.

No more common-ish last name with the Jewish ending.  Back to the weird last name that was probably mangled at Ellis Island.  The only others with my last name whom I’ve ever met have been related to me.  It was nice for a few years to not ALWAYS have to spell my name for people, but I really don’t mind.  I’ve developed a new appreciation for it.

For a while I’ve been going by two names, depending on the context.  At work (mostly) and socially, I have been going by the name I was born with.  For “official” things, like paychecks, prescriptions, credit cards, etc., I’ve been going by X’s last name (which was actually his mother’s maiden name—we both took it when we got married—long story.) because I had to.  This led to a weird, schizophrenic state in which I would usually have to think for a moment before telling someone or signing my full name.

Now I am back to me, back to my name, back to not being reminded of X every time I write a check or pick up a prescription.

It was a good day, today.

well, since you asked…

Winning lottery tickets for all!

show and tell: packin’ it up

This week’s show and tell find’s me packing up my few belongings (see: how I shed much of my stuff when I shed my abusive husband) as I will be moving out of my parents’ house in two days.

In case you didn’t quite catch that:

I WILL BE MOVING OUT OF MY PARENTS’ HOUSE IN TWO DAYS!!!!!!

Ahem, excuse the shouting.  Followers of this blog know that this is a day for which I have been preparing for some time, and really, didn’t know when it would come.  In the last two weeks or so, everything just came together.

So see Miss Famous overseeing the always overwhelming packing experience (even when you don’t have much stuff it’s overwhelming):

I have a pretty sweet deal for my new place (stay tuned for next week’s S&T for more deets on that–like pics from INSIDE the house, imagine that!), and I just got a job that wants me to start this coming Monday.  So I’m starting up in my new city with just a weekend to settle in, but that is just fine with me.

And this just may be the most link-happy S&T I’ve ever done.

See what everyone else is showing and telling over at Mel’s.