perfect moment monday: 2-in-1

The first perfect moment:  How do you prepare to meet someone who has already read your diary?

There’s no preparing, really, for meeting Lori, aka Lavender Luz, of Weebles Wobblog fame.  She’s lovely, as easy to talk with in either small talk or soul-baring conversations, and I wish she lived here.

We’d exchanged some emails, she knew I lived in the live-music capitol of the world, and so when she was planning a work trip here, she asked if I’d be up for getting together.  If you ever have the same opportunity take it.  It’s kind of like meeting a rock star, albeit a very un-diva-like rock star who blogs.  And likes mojitos in the middle of the afternoon.

The perfect part was when we said goodbye, it felt like the beginning of our IRL friendship, rather than the end of the evening.

(And if you don’t read her blog, you really should remedy that ASAP.)

The second perfect moment:  I’ve finally been feeling ready to start connecting with more people to let more people in.  The trick is how and getting started.

I won’t bore you with a list of the things I’ve been considering.  The moment is last night I received a call from the facilitator of my divorce recovery group, asking me if I would be one of the four volunteer facilitators for the group starting Tuesday.  I talked it over with my closest friend from the class, who is also volunteering, and I decided that, yes, I am ready to do this.  Six or even three months ago I wouldn’t have thought that I’d be ready to do this now, though it was something I might want to do “in the future.”  I suppose the future is now.  It is so amazing to see visible progress in myself.

You can read about other perfect moments here.

perfect moment monday: one year later

I’ve been thinking a lot in the past week or so about this time one year ago.  It was just about this time that I started going really crazy living at my parents’ house and starting to feel like I needed to get out of there now.

One year ago I was in the throes of divorce details, worried about my house selling (which eventually went into foreclosure), and was basically swimming in a sea of angst about Mr. X.

One year ago I was jobless, had very little money in the bank, was living with mom and dad, and was having a very difficult time imagining a better future.

Today…today is amazing.  Today I have a good job in a great city, I no longer have to depend on my parents’ help for my basic needs, and I have a great place to live.  The best thing, however, is the change within myself.  I noticed this weekend, at the second of two get-togethers with some dear friends and several of their friends (who have brought me into the circle without question) that I had a sense of belonging and peace that was quite foreign to me a year ago.  Today I don’t feel like the “pause” button is set on my life anymore.  Last night I laughed with friends, enjoyed food, and was happy.

Pretty darn perfect.

Read about some more perfect moments over at Lavender Luz’s.

perfect moment monday

Last Tuesday night was the last session of my “When Your Relationship Ends” class (which I’ve referred to as “divorce recovery,” but is not totally accurate as several people in the class were never married to their partners).

I enrolled in the class at the suggestion of my therapist, after I cried about my divorce through the first few sessions with her and couldn’t really talk about much else.  Ahem.  Anyway, I was totally opposed to the idea at first, and then came around to thinking that it would probably be “good for me,” though not something I would necessarily enjoy.  Well, that would probably describe the first couple of weeks, but definitely by week four I was looking forward to seeing the people in the class and to our discussions.  It was a place where we could be real together.

The last night, we did a bit of looking back and a bit of looking forward.  It was a wonderful time to take stock of how much the ten weeks brought to us.

Before our break for dinner (potluck), we were each given two small slips of paper, one white and one gray.  We were told to write what we want to let go of on the gray paper and what we want to hold on to on the white paper.  After everyone had a chance to write, we took turns standing up, reading the gray paper, lighting it on fire with a lit candle (and dropping it into a bowl), reading the white paper, and then returning to our seats to thunderous applause.

Standing up in a room of people who I met just 2½ months ago, letting go of some things best left to the past and seeing them burn to ashes, embracing others that I want to carry with me and hold close, and hearing the applause of my foxhole-mates—pretty darn perfect.

Read some more perfect moments over at Lavender Luz’s.

perfect moment monday: this time of year

Just about one year ago today, I was reading the book that removed the last bit of blindfold from my eyes.  I started to understand why my marriage, my entire relationship with this man that I loved with all my heart was so. damn. hard.  Once I realized, once I knew that we didn’t just have “problems,” but rather that our whole relationship was built on the quicksand of emotional abuse, nothing was the same.  Knowing brought clarity, but I can’t tell you that I didn’t wish then that I could turn back the clock, un-read that book, un-ring that bell.

Well, unless it’s your first time here, you know that there was no way back for me, and that it became obvious that I had to leave, for my own sanity, my own safety.  And after I left, he confirmed, over and over, that I had made the right decision.

One year ago I didn’t know all of that.  One year ago I didn’t even know that I would leave.  I just finally had a name for the mind-game that was my marriage.

One year ago was the end of my delusion, but it was the beginning of the most difficult changes I’ve ever had to make.

I’m coming up on a lot of important dates. I’ve been watching their place on the calendar, the sharp point on the compass that pulls me back around into a full circle.  Soon will come the date that I decided to leave, then the date that I last saw him before his out of town trip that would give me the cover to pack and leave (coincidentally, this was also the date that he stole my debit card out of my purse), the weekend I had to sleep at the Dynamic Duo’s because I couldn’t bear to be in my house, even without him in it, and finally, the day that my mom arrived after a two day drive and the three of us (my mom, Miss Famous, and I) left in our rear-view mirrors the city that held the last place I would call home with X.

There was a vast amount of change in a very short period of time, and now, finally, the things outside of me have calmed down enough, for long enough, for me to really address the chaos within.

I just went through a valley in this journey to healing.  I don’t expect it will be the last one, but hopefully, with each one that comes, I will gain a bit more confidence that I will get through the pain, that feeling it will not kill me, and that there is light on the other side, that there is another side.

Almost a year ago (11 months and two weeks, more or less), when I drove across the border into my home state again, almost immediately, I started noticing the bluebonnets.  Kind of corny, I know, but I really felt like they were welcoming me back, this symbol of springtime that I grew up welcoming each year.

Last week, I noticed some familiar blue blooms on the route that Miss Famous and I walk every morning.  Welcome back, springtime.

You can celebrate some more perfect moments over at Lavender Luz’s.

perfect moment monday: my fearless niece

My oldest niece spent the night with me last night.  In the past I have referred to her as “the Whirlwind” because of her boundless energy.  (ADHD doesn’t hurt, either.)  She was really looking forward to staying the night with me, her favorite aunt, if I do say so myself (it helps to not have three little ones age 5 or under to distract from lavishing her with attention, as the other aunt does).

We went to the mall and walked around for hours, as only an 11-year-old on the cusp of turning 12 can do.  While there, she jumped on the bungee jumping thing and did countless backflips and attracted quite a crowd admiring her skill. (Sorry for the quality of the photo; it was the only one that didn’t show her face, but you get the idea).

Today we walked around downtown, went to the park, walked around the neighborhood, where if there was anything remotely dangerous, she wanted to do it:

She is the same niece that skillfully climbed to the top of this “rock” climbing contraption in seemingly record time (not this weekend, though):

We watched movies last night and she stayed up way past her bedtime.

I asked her today what her favorite part was and she said, “Just spending time with you and being with you.”

I can’t beat that.

perfect moment monday: a jew at christmas

If you know much about my story, you know that I converted to Judaism before marrying my now ex (it’s official) husband.  Since converting marrying him, I hadn’t been with my family on Christmas.  This had more to do with the “marrying him” part than the “converting” part.  I have no problem hanging out with my family while they celebrate their holiday.  I have no problem participating in non-religious aspects of the holiday (like taking my niece shopping for gifts).  Mr. X, however, had a BIG problem with all of this.  He was rather threatened by my family’s Christianity, and refused to be around them at this time of year.  Even though we had a number of other couple-friends in which one (or both!) partners were converts and one or the other of the partners were rabbis or rabbis in training, and nobody else had this major issue with Christmas, Mr. X continued with his unbending stance.  He even said once that he wouldn’t want to be in my parents’ house if there was a Christmas tree there (though he would be in other people’s houses with Christmas trees…crazy).

The good news is, he is out of the picture, and for the first time since 2003, I was able to be with my family at Christmas.  I spent the weekend at my parents’ house.  My younger sister and her family were also there, and my older sister came over last night with her family and we had the family gift exchange.  For the first time in five years, I got to see my little people (all five of them together at once) opening Christmas gifts.  The whole scene was amazing and happy and crazy and beautiful.

Read about some other perfect moments over at Weebles Wobblog.

perfect moment monday: out

This past week, I spent two evenings socializing.  I went to a Re.gina Spekt.or concert during the week, and on Friday I hung out with an old friend and some of her friends, two of whom have close friend potential.

I think I am out of the cave.

It feels good.

perfect moment monday: clarity

I have an upcoming divorce mediation that has had my brain a bit murky of late.  Distraction, (even more) frequent migraines, and a lot of dread.  A lot.

On top of all of that, not really knowing what to expect out of the mediation may have been the worst part of all (or perhaps we’ll leave that honor to the possibility of seeing Mr. X).  Not sounding so perfect yet, is it?

Last week I was privileged to experience yet more of X’s crazymaking disruptions.  This has been par for the course the whole way through.  I had only one roller coaster day–the end of which I felt peaceful, and after which I had much more clarity about the whole process than before.

Progress, clarity, and peace in the midst of madness: sounds perfect to me.

Read about some other perfect moments over at Lavender Luz’s digs.

perfect moment monday: living here

On Thursday night, I met an old friend for a glass of wine and a light dinner close to downtown.  She’s lived here for almost two years and so, of course, picked the place.  I had extra time before we were to meet, and so took the opportunity for window shopping (which turned into regular shopping) in the twenty minutes or so before we got together.

I found myself, walking down this fairly busy street, looking at my city’s principal landmark, having just come out of a funky little store where I bought myself a gift, and I thought, “I live here.”  I used to fantasize about living in this city and now I do.  Here I am, making a life for myself.  Here I am, reconnecting with this friend I thought was lost for good.  Here I am, feeling the pulse of this city, making my own way.

I live here.

It was a nice moment.

perfect moment monday: I love you, too

My younger sister and her family stopped by on their way home on Sunday.  They had been visiting family in another part of the state, and as I hadn’t seen them in a while, we made it a point to have them come by my new place, share a meal, and have the little ones play with Miss Famous for a while to burn off some energy before getting back in the car for a few more hours.

At one point I picked up “Faith”, the 3-year-old, and told her, “I love you, Faith.”

And it came right back, without a moment’s hesitation, “I love you, too, Aunt Dreams.”‘

Beautiful.  Amazing.  Perfect.

I hope I will never take a moment like that for granted.

Check out the other perfect moments at Lavender Luz’s.