So here we are again. Things had gotten better for a while, but it seems it doesn’t take much to get us back in that down spiral.
I haven’t posted for a few days, but I’ve thought and thought and thought about it. I even started a couple of different posts.
Mr. X was gone for a few days, and while he was gone I was so lonely. I thought I would be reveling in the alone time, but all I could think about was how empty my life is. That when my husband goes away for a few days, I am totally alone, except for the people I talk to at work. And I don’t really have the what?—energy? desire?—to make any efforts with people anyway.
So he came back and now we seem totally out of sync with each other. The bad thing is…now when we fight, it brings me right back to where we were last fall when things were really bad, when I was pretty sure that we weren’t going to make it. And generally, we can get back to a good space, but right now I am so low I don’t even know what to do. I know it’s not all about my marriage, but it does seem like when stuff with Mr. X is bad, it makes everything else seem that much worse.
And when everything seems so bad, all I can think about is what a failure I am. Marriage falling apart, no baby, career I am pissing away, no local friends. Why is it that when I start feeling bad, my knee-jerk reaction is to dump on myself? Why, when I need so much kindness, do I want nothing more than to berate myself?
When does this start getting better?