Would I choose this?

Some time ago I was telling a friend of mine about my sister’s pregnancy.  (She had the baby from this pregnancy a few weeks ago.)  So anyways, this friend, P, had dealt with infertility, she and her husband ran out of money, and then her marriage ended, so she definitely understood some of the complicated feelings one can have about hearing pregnancy announcements.

So I was telling P about my frustration with my sister.  Of course, I was frustrated that my sister can apparently get pregnant whenever she wants.  Of course, I was frustrated that she’s my younger sister and already  had two children, while I was getting left farther and farther behind.  What I was frustrated about in this instance, however, was the fact that my sister, whom I love, just didn’t seem to have a clue that things could possibly go any other way for her.  What happened is that she told everyone apparently as soon as she confirmed her pregnancy.  EVERYONE.  Everyone includes her two-year old.  Sis was one month pregnant and told her two year old that she was going to be a big sister in eight months. (!!!!!!!!!!) No thought to “what if I miscarry?” at all.  No “what will I tell my two year old if I miscarry?”  I was upset about this situation on a lot of levels, but most of all, I was just so pissed that she had the luxury to be so naive.

I remember saying to my friend, P, that my sister just lives in a different world than I do, a world where bad things just don’t happen in the world of procreation.  P said to me, “I really wish I still lived in that world.”

At the time I was taken aback.  My first reaction was “I don’t EVER want to go back to that world.”   I don’t ever want to take this stuff for granted.  I don’t ever want to be unfeeling to others’ fertility struggles.  As much as stuff sucked at that time, part of me wasn’t so quick to relinquish the struggle.  Part of me saw value in the struggle.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and now I’m not so sure.  Lately, it just seems like being in this holding pattern for so long, going so many months without an inkling of a plan, this endless waiting with no concrete plan for when we might start actively start “trying” again…it’s just beating me down.  I feel so beat down.

And it’s all so nebulous.  I feel a little out of place in the IF blogosphere because we’re not doing anything, we’re just waiting for some things to change, and then we’ll see.  There’s not even a definite plan, because we don’t know where we’ll live or what our financial situation will be like.  My day-to-day stresses aren’t really about IF.  IF is just the looming cloud that’s hanging over everything.  And beating me down.

So I don’t know now, what I would do, which world I would choose.  At one time I thought I was becoming a better me, a better potential mom by dealing with this, by struggling through this.  Now I’m not so sure.

Not that I have a choice in the matter anyway.


8 responses to “Would I choose this?

  1. I just started reading your blog and can I just say WOW. WOW. That’s all I know how to say, because your writing is phenomenal.

    I can relate a little, but not much. I have to go through fertility treatments because I’m trying to become a single mom. But the irony is that I’m not infertile, and all the drugs are screwing with my fertility so that it can appear that I’m infertile.

    And so I’ve spent my time in the Sucking Vortex of Misery, which the uninitiated refer to as the fertility clinic waiting room. And I’ve spoken with and listened to married women who are or were infertile. And you know what? One of the many things we have in common is that we all would rather suffer through fertility treatments than do nothing. The doing nothing is worse than all the injections, all the poking and prodding, all of it put together and multiplied by n.

    I started ttc at 31, freaked out and stopped, and started again when I was 33. Let me tell you, I am a much saner person, a much stronger standing upright person, now than I was during those two years.

    I hope you can start trying again.

  2. The waiting sucks. We’re about 5 years into a possible 10 year waiting time for treatments. It.Sucks. We’ll probably wait until HE finishes grad school, and we’re only on our second semester into this possible five year wait. Ack!

    I hope you can start again soon. Hugs.

  3. I completely understand your frustration with being in a holding pattern and IF beating you down even when you are not TTC

  4. infertility is EXHAUSTING. i think this should be added as an official side effect of infertility:
    “may remove your ability to be happy for other pregnant couples in order to make more room for it’s own miserable self.”
    good luck to you!

  5. So sorry that you are in the IF trenches and it always seems that when you are trying to get through everyone else just keeps going. I wish you luck with your struggles.


  6. You do belong in the IF blogosphere. The holding pattern makes up a big part of most of our lives, much more than time spent in cycles.

    After I started my blog, it was almost 6 months before my next IVF. And now that that’s over, it will probably be 3 or 4 months before the next one. But I still have no problem finding IF topics to blog about almost every day!

    I agree with you that I wouldn’t ever want to go back to that world — because things do go wrong for some people, and I’d rather be pleasantly surprised when they go right than knocked out cold when they go wrong. Been there, done that.

    Happy ICLW!

  7. I have to agree with your friend. I really wish I were naive again about what could happen or not with a pregnancy.

    I can hardly enjoy this pregnancy because of it. I am so scared at every twinge. Am I laying right, am I sitting right, why do I feel the baby sometimes and not others.

    Yes, the journey does make us stronger and makes us more aware of everything. But, sometimes I wish I didn’t have all that awareness.

    And for the record, I think you are just fine right here. Whether you are actively trying or not, IF doesn’t stop just because you are in a holding period.

    Thanks for commenting my blog.


  8. Thanks for stopping by my blog! I actually wanted to respond to the post about your job but I got blocked from the comments page for some reason, sorry!
    Anyway, your job does sound like a really difficult job for an infertile! I can relate to the idea of, “it doesn’t matter, I’ll quit soon cause I’ll be pg. But here we are not pg and still in the same job… GL getting through these next 6 months at work!
    (here from ICLW)

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