Some time ago I was telling a friend of mine about my sister’s pregnancy. (She had the baby from this pregnancy a few weeks ago.) So anyways, this friend, P, had dealt with infertility, she and her husband ran out of money, and then her marriage ended, so she definitely understood some of the complicated feelings one can have about hearing pregnancy announcements.
So I was telling P about my frustration with my sister. Of course, I was frustrated that my sister can apparently get pregnant whenever she wants. Of course, I was frustrated that she’s my younger sister and already had two children, while I was getting left farther and farther behind. What I was frustrated about in this instance, however, was the fact that my sister, whom I love, just didn’t seem to have a clue that things could possibly go any other way for her. What happened is that she told everyone apparently as soon as she confirmed her pregnancy. EVERYONE. Everyone includes her two-year old. Sis was one month pregnant and told her two year old that she was going to be a big sister in eight months. (!!!!!!!!!!) No thought to “what if I miscarry?” at all. No “what will I tell my two year old if I miscarry?” I was upset about this situation on a lot of levels, but most of all, I was just so pissed that she had the luxury to be so naive.
I remember saying to my friend, P, that my sister just lives in a different world than I do, a world where bad things just don’t happen in the world of procreation. P said to me, “I really wish I still lived in that world.”
At the time I was taken aback. My first reaction was “I don’t EVER want to go back to that world.” I don’t ever want to take this stuff for granted. I don’t ever want to be unfeeling to others’ fertility struggles. As much as stuff sucked at that time, part of me wasn’t so quick to relinquish the struggle. Part of me saw value in the struggle.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and now I’m not so sure. Lately, it just seems like being in this holding pattern for so long, going so many months without an inkling of a plan, this endless waiting with no concrete plan for when we might start actively start “trying” again…it’s just beating me down. I feel so beat down.
And it’s all so nebulous. I feel a little out of place in the IF blogosphere because we’re not doing anything, we’re just waiting for some things to change, and then we’ll see. There’s not even a definite plan, because we don’t know where we’ll live or what our financial situation will be like. My day-to-day stresses aren’t really about IF. IF is just the looming cloud that’s hanging over everything. And beating me down.
So I don’t know now, what I would do, which world I would choose. At one time I thought I was becoming a better me, a better potential mom by dealing with this, by struggling through this. Now I’m not so sure.
Not that I have a choice in the matter anyway.