I wanted to write something about my marriage, some kind of explanation for the comments I make sometimes about it. The truth is that I don’t know how to easily explain what is going on. We’re not fighting, but this is mostly because I have taken a step back, emotionally.
I was finding that my feelings of self-worth were hinging on how happy Mr. X was at any moment, and this is a dangerous place to be, but particularly when dealing with someone as, um, tempermental as Mr. X can be. After our last fight, which was a couple of weeks ago, it felt like something broke inside me. It seems that I can expect that if I open up to him, I find that eventually what I tell him will somehow get thrown back in my face. There have been so many things–things we discussed about my family, old hurts from childhood, unhappiness about my job, grief about infertility–all thrown in my face as evidence of my brokenness, my instability. So many things I opened up to him about, later used as a weapon against me.
I could analyze him and explain it and understand it, but I’m tired. And since I stepped back, things have been a lot more pleasant. I have not been quite as affected by him and his emotions. I have ignored his moods (which oddly seems to often defuse them). He would probably tell you that things are going pretty well. Anyone looking at us would say that we seem to be doing great.
But I am so lonely. In my desire for self preservation, stepping back from him has meant that I haven’t talked to him about what I’m really thinking or feeling most of the time. He doesn’t know about this blog. I don’t have a friend at home that I can talk to. I miss the good parts of our relationship. I just don’t trust him with my heart right now.
And I don’t know how to make it better. He is so good at deflecting, at pushing the focus off of him and onto me. He is so good at turning things around on me, making it about me and not him.
It’s not that I feel so angry about the things he has said to me (though I know anger is there). It’s more that he has done damage to our relationship–and he doesn’t even know it. He doesn’t even know how far away I am.