In suspension.

Right now my life feels like a deck of cards that somebody tossed up in the air.  The thing is, they haven’t landed yet, they’re still hanging there, suspended.  Right now I am living in that suspended space.  It feels like almost everything is in a waiting mode-Mr. X is looking for a job*, our house goes on the market next week.  Will our house sell?  Will we have to wipe out our savings to be free of the house?  Where will we be living in six months?  What kind of job will I get?  Will we end up in the same city with all of his family?  If so, will they drive me over the edge?  Will things get better in our marriage?  Will we be able to afford IVF?  When could we start IVF?  Will I find friends?

The suspended space has a lot of questions and not many answers.

Sometimes the pressure of all the unknowns comes down so hard on me that it seems like every muscle in my body is clenched.  In those moments, all I can do is try to come back to the present and try to remind myself that all I have is this moment.  That right now those questions don’t matter–right now I just have to breathe and walk and work and live and love.  Sometimes it’s easier than others to find that space.

I’ve been reading about other bloggers’ experiences with treatments–the ever present two week wait, the waiting for the next cycle, the waiting on lab results, the waiting on phone calls, the waiting, the waiting, the waiting–it seems like a lot of us are in that suspended space.

Someday I hope to do IVF.  In my bad moments I wonder how I will ever make it through those innumerable moments of waiting and I wonder how anyone makes it.  Today it occurred to me that right now may be pretty good practice for that time–and heaven knows I need the practice, I’m a terrible wait-er.

I wonder if I can learn a new tendency–a tendency to remember that this moment is all I have, that all I have to do is breathe and walk and work and live and love.

*We live where Mr. X’s career takes us because he is in a more specialized field than I am and can also earn a lot more than I can.

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2 responses to “In suspension.

  1. Thank you so much for your sweet words.

    I completely understand with the “cards up in the air”. I too feel like I am losing it completely and I hate all the what ifs? and the waiting. My Mom said to me that maybe that is why I am being given the honor of IF to help teach me that I can’t be in control of everything. What do you think? Is that it? Please let me know if you come up with a way to program your brain to think only of the here and now. I am dying to be able to do that …as I have a real problem with over- analyzing. I’m sorry this became about me. I was just trying to let you know that someone else out there gets it.

  2. Wow, I can really relate, I’ve been in that suspended state for a long time. We too have job/moving decisions to deal with along with the IVF. Mostly that I WANT to move closer to family but can’t unless my husband finds a good job AND we have success with our IVF. I really hope we can make some of those decisions by this summer but I hate that I have no control over it. I just wanted to let you know I understand.

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