(Note for ICLW: Welcome to any new readers! I will be out of town for a few days starting on the 18th and will have fairly limited internet access. I’ll be back the evening of the 23rd and will be frantically catching up on my ICLW comments. 🙂 If you have to wait a while for your comment to be approved, that will probably be why.)
Several months ago, I wrote the letter in my previous post at the suggestion of my former therapist. I found that it helped a lot at the time.
It was very interesting to read this letter again and think about what still feels true and what doesn’t anymore. One thing that I thought as I read through it again was that it felt like I told that child good-bye, that whatever child (or children) we end up having (if we do) won’t be the one I wrote that letter to. I think that the child I wrote to, more than being an actual potential child, was more the vessel for my dreams. That child was a symbol of my own self-worth, a symbol of my hopes for self-fulfillment, more than an actual child or the hope for an actual child.
In dealing with IF, I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to redefine yourself. Until IF, I hadn’t even realized how much my ideas about my own identity and value were caught up in my desire to have a child. Until IF, I hadn’t realized how much I saw having a child as my true purpose, my reason for being alive.
I don’t know that I need to have a “true purpose” now that will span my whole life. It feels like my purpose right now is to get to a point of self-acceptance and love, and also to heal.
With that in mind, the last few days I have been trying to ask myself, from the time I wake up and throughout the day, “How can I love myself today? How can I be loving to myself right now?”
I’ll let you know how it goes.