About that letter.

(Note for ICLW:  Welcome to any new readers!  I will be out of town for a few days starting on the 18th and will have fairly limited internet access.  I’ll be back the evening of the 23rd and will be frantically catching up on my ICLW comments. 🙂  If you have to wait a while for your comment to be approved, that will probably be why.)

Several months ago, I wrote the letter in my previous post at the suggestion of my former therapist.  I found that it helped a lot at the time.

It was very interesting to read this letter again and think about what still feels true and what doesn’t anymore.  One thing that I thought as I read through it again was that it felt like I told that child good-bye, that whatever child (or children) we end up having (if we do) won’t be the one I wrote that letter to.  I think that the child I wrote to, more than being an actual potential child, was more the vessel for my dreams.  That child was a symbol of my own self-worth, a symbol of my hopes for self-fulfillment, more than an actual child or  the hope for an actual child.

In dealing with IF, I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to redefine yourself.  Until IF, I hadn’t even realized how much my ideas about my own identity and value were caught up in my desire to have a child.  Until IF, I hadn’t realized how much I saw having a child as my true purpose, my reason for being alive.

I don’t know that I need to have a “true purpose” now that will span my whole life.  It feels like my purpose right now is to get to a point of self-acceptance and love, and also to heal.

With that in mind, the last few days I have been trying to ask myself, from the time I wake up and throughout the day, “How can I love myself today?  How can I be loving to myself right now?”

I’ll let you know how it goes.

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8 responses to “About that letter.

  1. Sounds like a great plan! I’m rooting for you. 🙂

  2. I hope you’re loving yourself right now!

    Isn’t it amazing how much your perspective can change in a few weeks or months? If nothing else, IF is character building!

    I’ll stay tuned to hear about your progress. 🙂

  3. ICLW…

    Wow, I’m almost speechless. Note, almost. LOL

    Seriously, that is some true introspective greatness there. I actually struggle with the whole “purpose” issue as well, and have had so many similar thoughts as you. It is so hard to go through life imagining yourself one way, having all these dreams for yourself and your life…then having something as crushing as IF send you reeling and needing to rethink and reimagine your entire existence. It’s humbling, really. I will be keeping tabs on you to see how things are going. (((HUGS)))

  4. One thing I keep telling myself is that IF, although truly awful, did open my eyes to a lot of things that I would never have taken the time to notice otherwise. Now that my little man is here… I’m actually thankful (which sounds strange) that we had to struggle. Because I know what a true treasure he is… good luck and good plan!

  5. I read your letter and it’s beautiful. So heartfelt and so “right”. I hope that your are loving yourself the way you deserved to be loved. Hugs and peace.
    *ICLW*

  6. I read your letter and it was beautiful. That yearning for a child can be overwhelming.

    Take the time to love yourself and hopefully that will make everything else easier to deal with.

    ~ICLW

  7. That is a great purpose. No higher – really, for when you are there you will find your next path.

    Thanks for trusting us with this.

    ILCW

  8. Hi there, I am here for ICLW.
    I can’t quite read that letter yet. I am afraid it will break my heart and resonate too closely with my own, lifelong desire for a child. I will get to it as I am sure it’s beautiful.

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