both, and

I just got back from a visit “back home” to see my family, which includes my two very fertile sisters and their children.  I really enjoyed my time there, and it wasn’t until I was in the airport for the trip home that it struck me that it was a very painful visit as well.  I really didn’t realize it the entire time–of course I was kept fairly distracted by lots of little people and conversations with big people and food and being home and having a cold, etc., etc.

So I sat there in the airport and realized that I had a lot of hurt just under the surface (well, by this point, it was pretty much at the surface and flowing over the top of the surface–yes I was the crazy crying lady in the airport), but I had still really loved my time there, and I’m not sorry I went.

I have a ton of new cute niece and nephew memories and they are both precious and painful to me.

I am so happy and proud of my sisters for the mothers that they are and that they are becoming and I am so angry that it was so easy for both of them to become pregnant and have children.  I am so angry about that and I am so jealous and I love my sisters and I would not want them to have this hurt.  And I am so angry that of the three of us only I have this hurt.

I love seeing how much my mother loves her grandchildren and I ache for her to love MY children like that.

I love hearing my dad tease my nieces and I am so scared that he will never get a chance to meet my kids.

So it is all mixed up and jumbled around, all the happy and hurt and proud and angry and sad.  It’s all of that all at once.

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13 responses to “both, and

  1. Wow, you put into words the exact way I felt about my sisters and their children. It’s so difficult to be torn between intense love and intense grief. I hope you find a way through it soon.

    ICLW

  2. Hey – totally get what it’s like to be the crazy crying lady. Funny how you can be so happy for people and so insanely jealous and miserable all at the same time. That’s a lot of emotion. It’s no wonder it leaks out…all over places like airports.

  3. I hear you! Isn’t it just awful when we envy those we love? My sister in law, K, is pregnant and we recently had dinner at my mom’s. I felt like there was a giant lump in my throat the whole night, especially when my brother thoughtlessly said he couldn’t wait to start rubbing K’s belly.
    I also remember when my friend was newly pregnant with her 2nd child. (She NEVER wanted kids either – both kinda “accidents”) Anyway, she thought she miscarried in the beginning month and even though I would never wish it on her, I wanted someone else to feel the loss that I felt. I didn’t want to feel so alone. Thank GOD for blogging and the opportunity to meet you and all of these brave, dedicated women. Glad you’re back! 🙂

  4. Dude, I totally get it. I have been there, I have also been the crazy crying lady. In fact I cried so much it didn’t even stop when I got to my seat on the plane. I thought for sure the flight attendants were going to deem me unstable to fly.

    I’m sorry you have those feelings. It absolutely sucks.

    ICLW

  5. I have totally been the crazy lady..not only at the airport, but the train station, the bus stop…etc..you get the picture here right!!! lol
    Those visits are hard…….

    I understand….. 🙂

    ICLW
    M 🙂

  6. Those last two sentences are beautiful, and so true. I am glad that you were able to enjoy your time there, even though it did cause the hurt to well up afterwards.

  7. I have been that crazy lady for the past two weeks! As usual, your writing beautifully and effectively describes how I have felt in these situations.

    I lost my mom a couple of years ago and always think about how she would have loved my kids. I hope that your parents get the chance to meet your kids someday.

    {{hugs}}

  8. My SIL called me, knowing I was going through my second IVF cycle, to complain about her morning sickness. And how awful it was to be pregnant.

    Let’s just say I know all about ‘hurt under the surface’.

  9. “hurt under the surface” What an apt description of how IF affects us. Thank you for putting it into words.

  10. Oh honey, I get it. I soooo get it. Such a beautiful description of some not so beautiful feelings. (((HUGS)))

    [Thank you also for your comment on my last post and the hypo recommendation. I’ve seen 5 “specialists” and none of them want to treat a level of 3.8…it sucks. I’m still fighting for it though! Thanks for reading!!!]

    ICLW

  11. I have been in lots and lots of airports around the world, and personally I would find it wierd – and a let down – to not come across every emotion and nationality under the sun as I head to my gate (with McDonald’s breakfast, because an airport is the only place I eat that, and it is so mighty tasty). My point: Airports are amazing places, sociologically speaking. And whenever I see someone crying, I always wish there was something I could say to make it better. I never think “crazy lady,” unless I’m the one crying. And for the record, I think crying is better than being the nasty smelly person. I was that person once.

    I wonder if people who haven’t had to deal with IF understand? People who just get pregnant, do they know how much joy and pain their families can bring us? I really don’t believe that they could ever fathom it. My IF is treatable – PCOS, and no sperm and I’m grateful I hadn’t been trying for years before I decided to go to an RE – but still. Seeing my cousins’ families and my sister’s family… it is so darn painful.

  12. I hear you! I know exactly what you are feeling. This IF thing is so hard! I wish people realized all the feelings that went along with everyday things that normal people can be happy about. I hope all your dreams come true!

  13. It must be difficult to deal with a fertile family while you are struggling. I admire you for going and enjoying the visit with your family. All the best as you wait for your turn…

    ICLW

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