If you’ve been following what’s been going on with the husband and me, I thought it was time for an update. Things, at least on my end, feel like they are progressing quite rapidly. I think what has happened is that once the “scales fell from my eyes” (a la the Christian story of Paul) I just haven’t been able to look at things the same way again.
Around last Friday or Saturday I started feeling a peace about leaving. And if there’s anything I’ve learned in my thirty-two years on earth, it’s to follow the peace. When I think about staying, my stomach ties up in knots; leaving, I have peace. Well, I should clarify. When I think about having left, I have peace. The actual transition process does not actually seem like a peaceful one to me. But I am working on the details.
So now things feel like they’re moving at a rapid clip. But I realized pretty early (two days ago), that I’m not going to be so good at the faking stuff, and that I wouldn’t survive long without going nuts if I don’t leave.
I’m talking to smart people and trying, trying to get all my ducks in a row. I have talked to my supervisor at work and confessed that my documentation is a hideous mess and she told me it doesn’t matter, just take care of myself. Everyone has been totally fabulous. Well, except for he-who-must-not-be-named, who is starting to suspect that I am not acting like my usual self.
Of course my heart is so broken and smashed that I don’t even know enough words to describe it. Sometimes I feel hopeful, and sometimes I feel so sad that I can’t get off the floor. I know this is right. I know it. It just would be so much easier if I didn’t love him and hate so much that this will hurt him (despite how he has hurt me).
There are a million more details, and hopefully I can share them soon. I have appreciated the supportive comments more than you know.
[ETA: This was the last post in blog #1]