Mr. X finally comes back tonight. He was delayed a couple of nights, due to the crazy storms and snow, though there are no storms nor snow neither where we live, nor where he was visiting, just where he was going to fly through.
I am ready for him to come back in the way that most people are ready to go to the dentist.
Actually, the last week hasn’t been so bad, since his interview went well and some of the stress load (actually a huge amount of the stress load) came off of his shoulders. Last night we actually had a real conversation, and I wasn’t on edge the whole time. It has been a while since that happened.
Mostly what I am dreading is that we need to have a Talk. You know what I mean. A Conversation. A Talk about the Relationship. A Talk that has been a long time coming.
I had a long talk on Sunday with a good friend–the only friend, really, that I talk to about my problems with Mr. X. I’ve been realizing some things about our relationship through that talk and through the hard times these last few weeks.
- I have a lot invested in our relationship, due to how much I gave up to be with him. I think this has led me to tolerate a lot from him that I wish I hadn’t.
- He has a hard time dealing with stress and takes it out on me. I do not believe that he is aware that he does this. I have kept him from knowing that he does this.
- I don’t think that we could handle being parents together unless he figures out some better strategies for handling his emotions and his stress.
- I have seen him as my best chance for getting to become a mom and it scares me to death to think that maybe it shouldn’t happen for us.
- He has said some things to me in the last couple of months that have done damage to our relationship and I now have a very hard time opening up to him.
So, when and if he hears that he gets the job (hopefully before this weekend), I plan to initiate a conversation with him. I am not planning to say everything to him in the above list; hopefully this conversation can be a starting point. I want to tell him that I need him to work on how he deals with his stress for the sake of our relationship. The key to this conversation will be my staying calm. That will be the hardest part. I have to stop protecting him from his own feelings.