to stay calm and true

Thank you for all the support in your comments.

It seems that some of the hopelessness I was feeling yesterday was coming from being sick, a.k.a., the Cold That Will Not Die.  (Apparently the whole time Mr. X was gone and I didn’t feel like doing anything but sitting on the couch and reading or being on the computer reading blogs wasn’t me just being lazy but was me, yeah, still sick from the cold that zapped me when I was visiting my family.)  Anyway, I slept a bunch yesterday and am feeling a wee bit better today.  Less hopeless anyway.  Which is definitely a good thing.

Last night I was able to recapture some of the attitude I had a couple of weeks ago.  This means that part of the time I am able to remember that he does not define who I am and that I am safe and loved despite what goes on in my marriage.

The Talk is coming, and I am not dreading it, I am just wanting to find a good time for it.  He will respond as he will respond.  I see it as my task to stay calm and stay true to myself.   To speak the truth in a way that will best be heard.  I know that I haven’t always done so in the past.

When I can be calm enough now to take a step back and observe, what I see is a hurt little boy who is turning his back on the person who loves him more than anyone else in the world.  And I both understand and don’t understand.  I understand because I know what he grew up with.  And I don’t understand because even now I continue to show him love.  And I don’t understand because even now he is scared and frightened and needs the love that I can give him.  And he needs the love that he can give me.

Things can get better, I know.  Things were at least this bad at the end of last summer and early last fall, and by late fall we were good.  We were so good that I have to admit to feeling a little cocky when talking to a co-worker who was having problems with her husband.  I even gave her the name of our marriage counselor, because it had worked so well.

And now it all seems like a joke, a set-up.  I think we can get better, I just don’t know if we will.  I don’t know if he will open himself up to it.

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3 responses to “to stay calm and true

  1. I’m sorry things are so rough for you two right now. I hope it does get better. Personally, I know it can, as my dh and I have had some really rought times, in the past. But it does take effort on BOTH parts, one person can’t do it all. I think trying to deal with all this stuff now is very smart, as parenthood makes any marriage even more stressful. Would you be able to go back to you marriage counselor?

  2. I am going to respectfully disagree with Eve. I think one person CAN make a marriage work. You are very wise to recognize that he is scared and that he needs your love. Part of what I am learning in my own marriage is that unconditional love means giving that love to our spouse even when they don’t deserve it and even when they don’t return it.

    I just don’t accept that you can put that kind of love out there, and see nothing in return. It may take longer than you expect or than you want, but I truly believe that one person CAN save a marriage.

    I guess the question has to be whether or not you want to save it.

  3. I’m going to split the difference between Jo and Eve. I think that one person can definitely make a marriage fail on their own, and one person can also keep the marriage hanging on by a thread, but it takes both to actually succeed. The hanging on by a thread approach seems to just postpone the inevitable.

    Good luck with the big talk.

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