Thank you for all the support in your comments.
It seems that some of the hopelessness I was feeling yesterday was coming from being sick, a.k.a., the Cold That Will Not Die. (Apparently the whole time Mr. X was gone and I didn’t feel like doing anything but sitting on the couch and reading or being on the computer reading blogs wasn’t me just being lazy but was me, yeah, still sick from the cold that zapped me when I was visiting my family.) Anyway, I slept a bunch yesterday and am feeling a wee bit better today. Less hopeless anyway. Which is definitely a good thing.
Last night I was able to recapture some of the attitude I had a couple of weeks ago. This means that part of the time I am able to remember that he does not define who I am and that I am safe and loved despite what goes on in my marriage.
The Talk is coming, and I am not dreading it, I am just wanting to find a good time for it. He will respond as he will respond. I see it as my task to stay calm and stay true to myself. To speak the truth in a way that will best be heard. I know that I haven’t always done so in the past.
When I can be calm enough now to take a step back and observe, what I see is a hurt little boy who is turning his back on the person who loves him more than anyone else in the world. And I both understand and don’t understand. I understand because I know what he grew up with. And I don’t understand because even now I continue to show him love. And I don’t understand because even now he is scared and frightened and needs the love that I can give him. And he needs the love that he can give me.
Things can get better, I know. Things were at least this bad at the end of last summer and early last fall, and by late fall we were good. We were so good that I have to admit to feeling a little cocky when talking to a co-worker who was having problems with her husband. I even gave her the name of our marriage counselor, because it had worked so well.
And now it all seems like a joke, a set-up. I think we can get better, I just don’t know if we will. I don’t know if he will open himself up to it.