I’m not really sure how to start this post. Mostly because I’m not really sure how to think about yesterday. I found the debate in the comments for the last post interesting because I have that debate in my own mind about a hundred times a day.
So, yesterday. I had gone home around lunchtime to check on the dog, and Mr. X was there working out. He ended up sniping at me about something that was nothing and ended up saying that I never talk to him about anything important anymore (a recurring theme). I had to leave to go back to work, so this conversation was cut short. Later I received a surprise phone message from him with an apology and his saying that he loved me and missed me. When I called him back, we said we would talk that evening.
Well, the Talk came and I said everything I wanted to say and I stayed calm. I also remembered what it is like to have these kind of talks with Mr. X. For the last month or so we haven’t been fighting, we’ve just been cold, I guess. Cold can be painful and very lonely, but this “talking” was just crazy-making. Mr. X can be so very defended, is so very defended against what he sees as an “attack,” that he will not let himself be vulnerable at all. I’m not sure he even heard what I said.
I was so careful to say that I was not putting all the blame on him. I was so careful to say that I know that the fault for our problems lies with both of us. I said that I wanted to tell him about what MY experience had been for the last couple of months. I told him about being hurt by some things that he had said and about my defensive response to that. I told him that I have a hard time trusting him now, and that that hurts me, that I want to trust him more than anything else. I also told him that the way he responds to stress has a detrimental effect on our relationship. I told him that I understand that, that I have a hard time dealing with stress, too.
When he spoke, he didn’t respond to anything I said. I won’t go into all of the specifics he said, but he went back to “for over a year,” etc. He said some hurtful things. The mature, self-actualized part of me recognizes that a lot of what he said came from a hurt place and he might not have meant it. The rest of me is just hurt by it. It doesn’t seem to matter how calm I am. How careful I am. He has a fortress of defenses built up against me, and I have so much love for him. I remember thinking, “How could we ever have children?”
So I brought up the counseling, of course. His excuse, and it is just an excuse, I know, is that he is too busy right now, with the job search , and the house on the market. I believe that eventually we will go back. The thing about the counseling was that we didn’t re-hash all of our problems, we didn’t re-argue our arguments. We did that with the first counselor we went to and it was horrible and made things worse.
Our counselor, C, worked with us to get us to reconnect with the reasons we fell in love to begin with. She helped us to foster positive feelings and to build up a feeling of being loved instead of analyzing why we were having problems. This actually worked for us really well, and with a more solid base of love, we were better able to face our problems (and it seemed with less defensiveness all around).
So I am left with this: We need help. I am feeling very unloved right now. He is probably feeling very unloved right now. I am doing what I can to show love to him, but am too wounded for any grand gestures. I wish I knew why he wanted to stop the therapy last November.
I know there is love down deep. I just don’t know if we can dig through all the layers of hurt and defenses to get to it.