two things

I’ve been inside my head a lot more than ususal lately.  I hate, hate, hate living with drama, and try to grab some peace however I can.  If you’ve been reading here lately, you know that my life feels a bit dramatic right now.  Another thing going on with me is physical.  I have been hit full force with a very strong fatigue and want nothing more than to go to sleep, oh, all the time.  I’m not sure where it’s coming from.  It could be physical, could be emotional, or a combination.

With almost everything, (my marriage, plans for the future, job in Breederville now very up in the air) right now I’m living in a space of not knowing, a waiting room of sorts.  And I’m  stuck waiting with this person who doesn’t seem to like me very much.*

About that.  All of this in-my-head-living has clarified for me  of a couple of things.

1) Infertility has been the pressure that has forced to the surface all of the problems that were in the relationship already, but hiding out of sight.  Once the pain of infertility came, I couldn’t do the song and dance of making Mr. X happy all the time.  I couldn’t put my feelings on the back burner to take care of his stress, because I was just having too many feelings to fit on the back burner.  I was having too much grief.  Once I stopped playing by our unwritten rules, things kind of started falling apart.  Granted, it was a kind of fucked-up way to be relating to begin with, and I had glimpses of that before IF reared it’s ugly, ugly head, but I never said I didn’t have issues.  Though I am working on them.

2) Mr. X has so much hurt inside and he has so many defenses built up.  He is so incredibly defended against pain that he has also defended himself against love, against my love.  So he can’t hear me when I try to talk to him.  Literally.  I don’t want to be that defended.  One thing I have learned these last few months is that numbing myself to my pain doesn’t make it go away.  I’ve also learned that my feelings won’t kill me and that often dreading them is worse than actually feeling them.  I know that the way I have learned to deal with my pain and my stress over the last year has changed who I am.  I don’t want to be so hardened, so defended that nothing gets in or out.

*So that’s not really fair.  I think that he does like me (down deep), he’s just so unhappy right now he doesn’t like anything, or is having a hard time showing that he likes anything right now.  It just feels like he doesn’t like me.

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One response to “two things

  1. I feel like I could have written #1 myself. Do you ever wonder why we are trying so hard to make babies when we’re struggling so much with other issues? Sometimes I think most marriages are this way after a good amount of time together. I think there is a large population of people who can accept the status quo – never looking for that thing that absolutely thrills them! I’m too in my head to be happy with that.

    But mostly I miss the butterflies that you get when things are “new” in a relationship. That’s not to say that I don’t appreciate and feel blessed with the dedication and committment found in my relationship of 10 years. It’s more like sometimes I wouldn’t mind going out and having a wild, passionate sexual escapade with a stranger. I bet then I’d feel like, “eh…I choose stability and lifelong up & down kind of love.” But I still like to go to that fantasyland often. Maybe it’s an escape from IF too. Who knows? All I know is I feel your pain and hope you’re able to work through it. I’m here.

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