I’ve been inside my head a lot more than ususal lately. I hate, hate, hate living with drama, and try to grab some peace however I can. If you’ve been reading here lately, you know that my life feels a bit dramatic right now. Another thing going on with me is physical. I have been hit full force with a very strong fatigue and want nothing more than to go to sleep, oh, all the time. I’m not sure where it’s coming from. It could be physical, could be emotional, or a combination.
With almost everything, (my marriage, plans for the future, job in Breederville now very up in the air) right now I’m living in a space of not knowing, a waiting room of sorts. And I’m stuck waiting with this person who doesn’t seem to like me very much.*
About that. All of this in-my-head-living has clarified for me of a couple of things.
1) Infertility has been the pressure that has forced to the surface all of the problems that were in the relationship already, but hiding out of sight. Once the pain of infertility came, I couldn’t do the song and dance of making Mr. X happy all the time. I couldn’t put my feelings on the back burner to take care of his stress, because I was just having too many feelings to fit on the back burner. I was having too much grief. Once I stopped playing by our unwritten rules, things kind of started falling apart. Granted, it was a kind of fucked-up way to be relating to begin with, and I had glimpses of that before IF reared it’s ugly, ugly head, but I never said I didn’t have issues. Though I am working on them.
2) Mr. X has so much hurt inside and he has so many defenses built up. He is so incredibly defended against pain that he has also defended himself against love, against my love. So he can’t hear me when I try to talk to him. Literally. I don’t want to be that defended. One thing I have learned these last few months is that numbing myself to my pain doesn’t make it go away. I’ve also learned that my feelings won’t kill me and that often dreading them is worse than actually feeling them. I know that the way I have learned to deal with my pain and my stress over the last year has changed who I am. I don’t want to be so hardened, so defended that nothing gets in or out.
*So that’s not really fair. I think that he does like me (down deep), he’s just so unhappy right now he doesn’t like anything, or is having a hard time showing that he likes anything right now. It just feels like he doesn’t like me.