different

Things are starting to turn.  I don’t know if I can say that they are looking up, exactly, but they are looking…different.  The mister seems to be seeing me as less of an enemy and has opened up to me somewhat (as much as he can open up right now, I think).

Last night I almost felt like an outside observer, watching the two of us respond to the stressors.  The difference was astounding.  I have grown so much.  I wish I could take what I have learned and give it to him as a gift.  I wish I could take his pain from him.  He has no idea what to do with it.

At one point, his face looked so strange to me; it seemed like I was looking at him as a little boy–he looked just like photographs I have seen of him.  He was a little boy trying to confront all of these scary things, and my heart just broke for him.

Right now it seems that the weapons that a few days ago he had aimed at me, he has now aimed at himself.  Though responding to him is now less complicated, it is no less painful for me.

I am becoming aware of how much love I have to give.  If I can love him so much today, I know that I have so much love, so very much love to give.   I think that if I never end up having children to shower this love on, it would be a shame, a damn shame.

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3 responses to “different

  1. Your patience, commitment, and willingness to see things through the eyes of another – even when exceedingly difficult – is quite incredible and very moving. I wish you and Mr. X peace and mutual understanding. It’s clear how much love you have to give to a child and I hope hope hope that happens for you.

  2. Reproductive choices, ability, aptitude and reality are so different sometimes. We, who want to love can’t have kids….and then I meet people who are whining about what pain in the neck the darn kids are!

    Life is so strange.

    I hope you and Mr. Mostly work towards healing the relationship and each other.

  3. If only we could “love” our partners into healthy, happy adults. If only they could “love” us into healthy, happy adults.

    I guess all we can do is love one another, period.

    (((Hugs)))

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