So, a couple of things, really.
First, thank you all for the supportive comments. Please keep them coming.
Second, I’m still in shock. Putting this “verbal abuse” label on things has helped to clarify so many things and looking at the past six years or so through that lens has been mind blowing in many ways. The more I think about it, more true it seems. This relationship has been about control if not from day one, then very close to it. I may talk more about that some other day. I have been making excuses, to myself primarily, but also to others, from the beginning, for his moods, for his words, for so much. So there’s that.
The only “plan” at the moment is to work on the boundary setting and seeing how he responds, as I said before. He’s already made it clear a number of times he doesn’t want to go back to counseling, and the last time he was pretty mean about it, so I’m not bringing it up again for the moment.
OK, I lied. That’s not the only plan. I’m also going back to my counselor; I’m seeing her tomorrow. I’m also starting to talk about this with a few trusted friends (other than you, my interweb-amigas). Well, I’m planning to talk about it. I’m planning to make a phone date today with an old friend to tell her. Part of the problem with telling my “best” friends is that they all love mr. x, never ever having had a reason not to.
The other support I have is a friend who has kind of known it’s been going on, and has been the only person I’ve ever talked to about this before this week. She was a therapist for 20 years before becoming a rabbi, and I really don’t know what I’d do without her. I think she’s ready for me to walk out the door, um, yesterday, but she’s still telling me I’m doing the right thing by setting my boundaries, etc.
At this moment I’m kind of thinking that infertility is probably the best thing that ever could have happened to us. Whether or not we get through this and end up together, the last thing we need right now is a pregnancy or a baby. And I really don’t want my children hearing their dad talk to their mom the way he talks to me.