one of my own

So in my last post I said this:

At this moment I’m kind of thinking that infertility is probably the best thing that ever could have happened to us. Whether or not we get through this and end up together, the last thing we need right now is a pregnancy or a baby. And I really don’t want my children hearing their dad talk to their mom the way he talks to me.

And I meant every word.

And yet.

And yet yesterday I got one of those emails.  One of those emails from an acquaintance of mine who sends out emails.  Perky updates about her family and professional life.  And I got one yesterday.  And yesterday’s lets all of us, her “friends and family” know that they have a miracle arriving in a few months.  October to be exact.

And I don’t know what hurts more.  The photo of her daughter kissing her baby bump?  The thought of the supportive husband at her side?  The fact that they also went through infertility hell and came out the other side loving each other more instead of barely breathing?

Or maybe it’s that she used the word that I’ve been holding onto as my talisman these last few days, the word I beg for as if my life depended on it, because maybe it does, maybe it does–I want my own miracle.  Babies are miracles, but so is healing.  And children are miracles, surely, but so are grown men willing to face the hurts of their childhoods.

And so I will not begrudge my acquaintance her miracle.

I just want one of my own.

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4 responses to “one of my own

  1. I want one for you, too. You deserve it. So do I!!!

    I like to think that in 30 – 40 years I’ll be an old lady, sitting in a rocking chair with little grandchildren running around and that, from that perspective, I will be able to look back at these years and know that it was worth it. That it will make sense.

    So, day by day and hour by hour we’re earning our miracles. We just don’t know when they’ll arrive.

  2. Babies are miracles, and I often have to remind myself not to begrudge others. I found out one of my favorite coworkers was OOPS pregnant with twins, and I actually broke down. That was a few months ago. Today I learned that she delivered early, and everyone is trying to figure out how premature the babies are, and man I just feel sick inside, sending PLEASE BE HEALTHY vibes her way.

    Miracles.

    And don’t forget bravery. Healing may be a miracle, but it also requires one bucket full of bravery.

  3. Sometimes I get distracted by comparing myself to others. Why her and why not me? It hurts, it’s normal to feel that way, but things are not always as they appear on the surface. Wish her well, send her love, delete the email and get back to working on your life, that beats waiting around for miracles any day.

  4. i feel the same way. i get so jealous, even of people who have gone through if, because if they made it to the other side, why can’t i? i just want my miracle too. so i know exactly how you feel.

    iclw

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