(Dear ICLWers:   There is some info in the “About me” tab–probably the most relevant information is at the bottom of that page:  I very recently had the realization that I am in a relationship based on verbal/emotional abuse.   My posting lately has pretty much just been about that and how I’m dealing with this realization.  I hope to post soon about how all of this relates to IF.)

Yesterday I had a long, long talk with my oldest, perhaps dearest friend, J.  We have been friends since childhood.  I hope to always know her and be known by her.  As I figure out this new reality that I am living, as I am learning to tell my true story and not the fantasy that I had to work so hard for so long to try to believe–that I was in a happy marriage, that my husband loved and accepted me exactly as I was–I felt awash with relief as J gave me nothing but love, nothing but acceptance.  I felt some of this weight lift as she simply believed me.

When I had talked to my mom the other day and opened the door to her, I was trying to “protect” her a little and so I purposely didn’t use the word “abuse” to describe my situation (why I would do this is a long, long story for another day and a lot of therapy).   I wanted to do that now, and I also wanted to explain how I thought I could have gotten into such a situation.  For some reason, I have it in my head that everyone will be on mr. x’s side in this, but as soon as I said, “Mom, I’m pretty sure we can call this emotional abuse,” she said, as sure as anything, “Oh, I am too!”  Like I said yesterday, it’s always good to hear that you’re not crazy.  And it’s always good to hear that you have people on your side.  Not just good, but necessary.

Two nights ago I had an opportunity to set a boundary.  All I did was say, “I don’t want you to talk to me like that.”  It felt really, really good.  Giddy good.  Mr. x’s reaction, thus far, has been to get angry at me when I set boundaries, which I find interesting.  Today I feel much more confident, much more able to say those words again and again and again.

I don’t know where this will end up.  At this moment, I feel like I am getting prepared for almost anything.


24 responses to “relief

  1. I am so glad you are able to talk to people IRL about what is going on – it is very important. And of course they are on your side and believe you – you are not crazy!!

    As for the boundary setting – excellent work! People get really angry and annoyed when you stand up for yourself and refuse to allow them to step all over you. It makes them feel threatened, like the status quo is changing and not because of them But that is their problem, not yours. You are doing a great job and I’m happy for you.

  2. Thanks for visiting! I’m glad you have come to terms with this and are doing something about it. Tell it like it is, baby, that’s my motto.

  3. i’m glad you found soome IRL people to talk to too!

    And boundaries are good. keep setting them!

  4. Well done on setting boundaries. My first marriage was to an abusive man, I also had fears that nobody would believe me, I think it has a lot to do with the emotional and verbal abuse, the abusers breaks you down to the point where you feel you’ve deserved it.
    Here from ICLW.

  5. I’m glad that you’re getting more support/agreement than you anticipated from others.

    Great job with the boundary-setting!

  6. Just caught up on your previous posts – I’m happy that you don’t begrudge your friend’s miracle. I bet you that’s a sign that you’re moving towards acceptance.

    And I’m glad that you’re sticking up for yourself with Mr. X. It might get uglier before it gets better, but the IF journey has already prepared you for how to handle that, hasn’t it?

    Thinking of you, as always…
    And thanks for your support on my latest post. It’s greatly appreciated. 🙂 Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

  7. I have employed the boundary setting tool more than once with my hubby and he used to get all upset and bark at me. Staying the course, holding your line and refusing to be engaged in pointless tug of wars requires enormous energy and practice, but, like most dogs, he’ll figure it out.

  8. I just wanted to come leave you a (((HUG)))…I haven’t fully caught up on everything going on with you, but I hope to devote some time to fully reading all of your posts this weekend. I’m so sorry you’ve come to this realization of abuse, but proud of you for taking steps to set your boundaries and acknowledge what has been going on. It’s a hard step, but taking it is a huge leap toward proving that you are worth it.

  9. Good for you for standing up for yourself. While I still have hope that you guys can get through this, I in no way think that things should continue the way they have been.

    Keep taking things one day at a time. And whenever you need to talk, we are all here to listen.


  10. Keep up the boundary setting…I am certain beyond a doubt that you are too precious to live in that world any longer.

    We are here to support you and to love you…lean on us when you need to.

    ~via ICLW

  11. I’m new to your story, and first off I want to say that you are going through such a rough time right now. Good for you for seeking out the support and help you need to process all that you’re facing. Learning to set boundaries… and your Mr. hopefully learning to respect them… are huge steps. 🙂


  12. I am so sorry for all you have been through and are going through but you sound string and have good support. Keep up with the boundaries

  13. I am so sorry that you find yourself where you are, and I hope you find the path out of the current dynamic, and the strength to follow it, wherever it may lead.

    It really does mean everything to tell, and to have people believe you, doesn’t it? There’s so much power in having support.

  14. I’m here to send you more support. I’m so glad you’ve found friends and family who believe and truly, lovingly listen to you. Also, and especially, that you’ve found your voice and speak up when you recognize the emotional abuse. Sending (((hugs))) and “You go girl.”


  15. Here from ICLW..

    I’ve just read a bit of your previous posts, catching up on where you are and where you’ve been, and I wanted to just offer you a hug. Clearly, you’re going through a lot of hard times at the moment. I am very glad that you are able to talk about it with people IRL and get the love and support that you deserve as you go through these trying times.

  16. iambrowneyedgirl

    I’m sorry for what you are going through, how terrible. I’m glad that you’re standing up for yourself. That, at least, is a very good start for you.

    Good luck!


  17. Good for you, for standing you for yourself! That’s was probably a hard thing to do. I’m glad you’re setting boundaries, that’s so important. You’re doing a great job, keep it tup!

  18. I am proud of you. Thank you for sharing your heart and your pain.

  19. Here from ICLW. I don’t know you, but I’m proud of you for your realizations, your courage to write about it and for standing up for yourself. Verbal abuse is soul crushing and so insidious. I was in a 4 year relationship like that. It took a looooooong time to get over. My mother was also verbally abusive to me. Which is likely why I ended up with a man who did it.

    Hang in there. You’re sounding very strong.

  20. Here from ICLW.

    I am so sorry for all that you’ve gone through. I wanted to say thank you for sharing your pain.

    You are a very brave and strong woman and I know that with the love from your friends and family you’ll come through on top.

  21. bellaandherfella

    I’m so sorry to hear of your recent development, but I am so proud of the way you’re handling it. Keep up with setting those boundaries because you deserve to be treated with dignity & respect. ((HUGS))


  22. Bravo for setting boundaries! I hope with each boundary you set, you gain more and more strength and confidence to add to what you’ve already got. Hugs!


  23. Since this is the first I’ve read of your blog, I obviously don’t know what this all means for you or where it’s going to go. But I did want to say that although I don’t know you, I am very proud of you.


  24. I think you’re very brave to write about this, and I am so glad you have such wonderful and supportive friends and family IRL. I can relate to what you wrote about needing to be believed – I grew up in an abusive situation and this was a huge part of the power my dad held over us. We were too afraid to seek help because we thought no one would ever believe us.

    It sounds like you are finding strength inside to change your situation, and like the commenter above said, even though I don’t know you I am so proud of you. Sending you lots of hugs…


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