follow the peace

If you’ve been following what’s been going on with the husband and me, I thought it was time for an update.  Things, at least on my end, feel like they are progressing quite rapidly.  I think what has happened is that once the “scales fell from my eyes” (a la the Christian story of Paul) I just haven’t been able to look at things the same way again.

Around last Friday or Saturday I started feeling a peace about leaving.  And if there’s anything I’ve learned in my thirty-two years on earth, it’s to follow the peace.  When I think about staying, my stomach ties up in knots; leaving, I have peace.  Well, I should clarify.  When I think about having left, I have peace.  The actual transition process does not actually seem like a peaceful one to me.  But I am working on the details.

So now things feel like they’re moving at a rapid clip.  But I realized pretty early (two days ago), that I’m not going to be so good at the faking stuff, and that I wouldn’t survive long without going nuts if I don’t leave.

I’m talking to smart people and trying, trying to get all my ducks in a row.  I have talked to my supervisor at work and confessed that my documentation is a hideous mess and she told me it doesn’t matter, just take care of myself.  Everyone has been totally fabulous.  Well, except for he-who-must-not-be-named, who is starting to suspect that I am not acting like my usual self.

Of course my heart is so broken and smashed that I don’t even know enough words to describe it.  Sometimes I feel hopeful, and sometimes I feel so sad that I can’t get off the floor.  I know this is right.  I know it.  It just would be so much easier if I didn’t love him and hate so much that this will hurt him (despite how he has hurt me).

There are a million more details, and hopefully I can share them soon.  I have appreciated the supportive comments more than you know.

[ETA: This was the last post in blog #1]

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18 responses to “follow the peace

  1. Holy crap! This is moving quickly but I think you are going through this in such a mature, wise way. Are you sure your only 32?? Seriously though, this stuff is hard to deal with and I am so glad to hear you have people around you who you can lean on and rely on to help, who will understand what you are going through and just be there.

    I know you said you’re leaving, but are you also saying it is over? Or will you try to work with Mr X to be the partner you need and deserve? I will stop the questioning now, though I have a million of them.

    I’m here and will be here and if you need to vent or talk or scream or cry you can call me or write me. I know you have your RL peeps but I want you to know you have us / me too!

  2. Wow, so sorry that you are going through this, but I’m glad you are finding some peace.

  3. Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. Good luck! Think “Ivana.” You know. Don’t get mad, dahling, get everything!

  4. Sending you hugs. I am so sorry that you’re going through this and having to make such a difficult decision. I wish you only the best.

  5. I am so glad to hear that you are getting support from so many people IRL. Still feel free to email me anytime. I am thinking of you.

  6. Wow – what a powerful decision you have made! I’m so impressed with how you’ve been handling things…having the courage to arrive at the realization that you deserve better and then taking pro-active steps including lining up support and really understanding your options in order to get that for yourself.

    Continue to take special care of yourself during this difficult time, and know you have my support!

  7. Hi there! I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. You are number one and need to be happy. As the previous comment said, taking the time to get your support together and taking the pro-active steps to make your life better is a commendable thing. Too often women and men for that matter just stay. Best of luck to you with everything!! (HUGS)

    -ICLW

  8. My heart breaks for you. I am glad that you feel at peace with your decision and I support you 100%.

    I just wish you didn’t have to go through this.

    Hugs,
    Jo

  9. Wow – what a powerful post to come back to during ILCW. The power of clarity and peace within moments is huge!

    thinking of you…(hugs)

  10. You can only do what feels right to you. I’m glad that taking care of yourself fills you with peace. I know I haven’t been reading long, but I do know that you need to do what will fill you with peace. Good luck on your journey. You’re a strong woman and I know you can do this.
    *HUGS*

  11. I can’t stop shaking my head right now. I just feel really awful that you are dealing with this at all. I know things like this happen all the time, but I feel like I know you. That’s weird, isn’t it?

    I just want to wish you so much luck and love and support with this decision. I’m here for you and pulling for you.

  12. Following the peace is both simple and profound. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but glad you know where the peace is and are caring for yourself enough to follow it.

  13. I am sending you a big hug. My heart is really breaking for you right now! I am hoping the peace continues.

  14. Looking for peace, and following that peace, is an amazingly brave and courageous decision, and I applaud you! Whether get some space and then you work things through with Mr. X or end it, know that you will both come out stronger in the end – although it really will be a rebirth from ashes. I respect your strength. It takes an incredibly strong person to look at their life and make such a huge decision, one that is so painful. I wish you well, and like others have said, call or write me if/when you need to. I’m here for you.

  15. Hoping and praying things go smoothly as you follow through on your decision. You are showing such incredible strength.

  16. I’m glad that you’ve been able to find some peace in the midst of such a difficult situation. I loved what you said about following the peace…I think that is very true. Sending much love and support your way!

  17. Gather yourself. Gather your strength, gather all the love you can find, deep compassion comes in many forms, the best is finding the compassion for yourself. You can’t figure everything out, feel everything you need to feel in a day, but you do need to find somewhere SAFE in order to do so. Just follow your instincts. BE SAFE.

  18. I waited too long twice. You know what to do. Yeah it sucks but sticking around sucks a whole lot more.

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