plagiarizing myself

I still have a lot to say about Pesach, and at the rate I’m going (or not going), I’ll probably need to still be saying it well past Pesach, even through Hanukkah if need be.

I have been re-connecting with friends, and that has been very, very good, but very, very intense.  I had two very long conversations yesterday with two people with whom I hadn’t spoken in years, and it was wonderful, and it was exhausting.  Today I’m shaking more than I have in days.

I wanted to reconnect with the bloggy world, not in small part because you all have given me so much, but at this moment I don’t have much to give back.  I was wracking my brain with how to reconcile my desire to just. write. something. and this feeling of just wanting to crawl under the covers when I remembered that I had written something about what I am feeling right now in the now-defunct blog, and so I went a-looking.  I found it, and I thought that I would just repost it, here.  After all, it’s mine.  In fact, I may repost some things now and again (like, um, tomorrow) when I’m feeling like I feel today.  (Funny, for someone who doesn’t seem to have it in her to be able to post, I sure am being awfully wordy, huh?)  So, below, is, back by nobody’s demand but my own, the post originally called “on avoiding my feelings,” (or something like that) in it’s entirety (it was a short one):

Through my journey of both IF and struggling with my compulsive eating, I have found that I have a million ways of pushing my feelings aside to the point that sometimes I’m not even aware that they’re there.  I’m only aware of the food, or that I feel fat, or, or, or…

Last night I had one of those experiences.  I had been feeling out of sorts all day, and pushing myself all day, and thinking of food all day, and eating all day.  When I finally got alone with my thoughts, it just all poured out.

This reminded me of something I just read (actually re-read) recently:

“There are some feelings about which there is nothing to do.  Some bad feelings simply need to be felt.  Only after you begin to feel them will you be able to find enough inner comfort to address them.”*

May we all find the inner comfort today to attend to these feelings that must be felt.

From this book, of course.


5 responses to “plagiarizing myself

  1. We all have times when we don’t feel like we have much to give back. And, that is ok. We’ll just take our turn helping and holding you.

  2. Giving back should be the LEAST of your worries, hon. This community is all about the give and the take. Think about what you would say to another gal who’s going through something and is apologizing for not giving back. Once you realize you would say exactly what your friends are saying, take the time to be gentle with yourself. Nobody is rushing you. Nobody is bugging you for updates. We’re concerned about you because we care, not because we want to know all the “dirty details”. Take your time. We will be here for you no matter what!

  3. You really ARE giving back, even when you don’t realize it. Just your friendship, and support, are life-altering for people here. Just YOU — however you may be, at whatever point you may be, whenever you can be.


  4. Nothing intelligent to say. Just wanted to let you know that I’m here and I’m listening, er, reading, whatever. 🙂

  5. I’m glad you’re posting your old entries here since we can’t get to them on the old site. And I can vouch for how much you give to this community because you have been so steadfast in supporting me even when you were booking across the country to save your sanity and your soul. So keep em coming, I’ll be hanging around waiting to read them. 🙂

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