plagiarizing part two: a bit of background

So I’m going to continue with the theme of the last post and re-post a bit from the old blog.  This piece is really interesting to me, because, when I read it in light of my realizing that the “problems in the relationship” were emotional and verbal abuse, it reads differently than I intended it when I wrote it (as do a lot of things that I wrote in my journals, etc. that I have looked at recently).  Though it’s not a lot of background, and for those of you who read the old blog, you read this before, but it might explain things, in light of the new paradigm.  This is not the entire original post, but it is the meat of it.  The post was called “two things.”  (Obviously I changed Mr. X’s name below as that was not what I was calling him before.)

1) Infertility has been the pressure that has forced to the surface all of the problems that were in the relationship already, but hiding out of sight. Once the pain of infertility came, I couldn’t do the song and dance of making Mr. X happy all the time. I couldn’t put my feelings on the back burner to take care of his stress, because I was just having too many feelings to fit on the back burner. I was having too much grief. Once I stopped playing by our unwritten rules, things kind of started falling apart. Granted, it was a kind of fucked-up way to be relating to begin with, and I had glimpses of that before IF reared it’s ugly, ugly head, but I never said I didn’t have issues. Though I am working on them.

2) Mr. X has so much hurt inside and he has so many defenses built up. He is so incredibly defended against pain that he has also defended himself against love, against my love. So he can’t hear me when I try to talk to him. Literally. I don’t want to be that defended. One thing I have learned these last few months is that numbing myself to my pain doesn’t make it go away. I’ve also learned that my feelings won’t kill me and that often dreading them is worse than actually feeling them. I know that the way I have learned to deal with my pain and my stress over the last year has changed who I am. I don’t want to be so hardened, so defended that nothing gets in or out.

Now I read these and see all the red flags.  Now I read the first one and read: song and dance, take care of his stress, our unwritten rules, making Mr. X happy all the time.  Now it is so obvious to me and I just ask, how could I possibly not see it before?


9 responses to “plagiarizing part two: a bit of background

  1. It’s always easier to look back and see things we missed, once we’re out of the thick of things and begin to get some perspective. Yes, clearly, there are some red flags here. But.

    I think marriage nowadays is given up on too easily by many (not you). I also think that more people need to try harder to make their marriage work. I think that you did the right thing in trying everything you could to get through to Mr. X. You gave your all, instead of giving up when things get rough.

    Mo and I went through a rough patch last year and my mom told me that “you won’t be able to let go until you know you’ve done everything you can to save your marriage.” She was right.

    I KNOW you did everything you could to save yours. Now is the time for letting go and findng the happiness and peace you deserve. Please, please don’t beat yourself up — you just had to do everything you could before you were able to move on.


    (PS — I really hope I don’t sound “preachy” as I am not intending to — it’s so hard to determine how someone will read your words, though, especially through a medium such as this. Just know that I think you are AMAZING, I really appreciate your friendship and support, and I am so proud of you for what you are able to do in creating the life you deserve).

  2. Don’t beat yourself up for not seeing it. When we love people, we wear blinders. It’s only natural. No woman gets married thinking her marraige will fail. (or at least I don’t assume so) As women, we are caretakers. We want to be good wives, mothers, friends, sisters, peers, etc. I think that the reality of marriage is very difficult. Even so, we want to succeed and do all that we can to make it work.

    You realized just when you needed to that you had nothing left to give. It’s time for you to be on the receiving end of affection and love. I’m confident you’ll find it too.

  3. I don’t know – I’d say you saw the red flags and tried to work with them. This post says to me that you recognized problems and were trying to change yourself and them. How could you not see it? I think you did, but were trying your hardest to fight for what you had. Sometimes, when you lose the fight (or withdraw from it), you look back and see that you shouldn’t have been fighting that particular fight in the first place.

    It’s good to reflect, but not if you’re doing it to punish yourself. If you look at these posts and say, “Yes there was a problem, but the problem was not in me. I did not fail to solve the problem, because it is not for me to solve,” then your reflection will be productive and useful.

  4. I know its trite. I know everyone says it but hindsight is 20/20. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

  5. I remember this post. I remember thinking at the time how struck I was at your insight and ability to really peel back the layers of what was happening in your life. I DO think you were seeing the warning signs – they were just colored with the hope that things could and would be different. (We infertiles are such champions of hope).

    This post and the others around this time marked the starting point of starting the journey towards the courageous decision you ultimately made.

  6. You didn’t see them then because you were protecting yourself, your marriage and X. Now, however, you are taking charge and seeing everything and taking care of yourself a different, much healthier way. Like Kristin said; hindsight is 20/20. You can’t change the past, but you can change the future and that’s is exactly what you’re doing. I can’t say “good for you!” enough times.

  7. isothegoldenegg

    “I think marriage nowadays is given up on too easily by many (not you). I also think that more people need to try harder to make their marriage work.”

    I really disagree with this comment by Jo. I hear this a lot, and think it’s just a knee jerk response to the high divorce rate. I think people should think harder BEFORE getting married. I honestly don’t know anyone who divorced without trying very hard or because the the situation was very obviously not fixable. Just my opinion.

    BTW, I also agree about not beating yourself up for not realizing all this sooner. Hindsight is 20/20. We do the best we can at the time.

  8. Truly that thing about hind sight being 20/20 is true. I was with my ex for 3 years. During that time there was much arguing, verbal and emotional abuse and even some physical abuse on a few occasions. It wasn’t until I had been gone for 3 months that I was able to look at what happened and see it as abuse. I left because I was reaching a point where I couldn’t stand him but I hadn’t yet realized that it was truly abuse. And really even though I’ve never had a lot of success with relationships I’m not a stupid person. It was a long time before some of the things he had said and done quit ambushing me when I wasn’t expecting it. Things he said would pop back in my mind and make me question myself or breakdown and cry.
    I’m so sorry you had to go through what you did. No one ever deserves that. I wish you much healing. Hugs to you.

  9. I agree with everyone else in that you shouldn’t beat yourself up over not seeing it sooner. I think these things have a life cycle and you can’t jump ahead and see what’s around the corner until you get there. That’s what happened. You were in it, you were experiencing it, you were trying to make it work. And then one day you turned the corner and saw it for what is was. Didn’t you say that the light bulb went on when you re-read a book that perfectly described what was happening? The first time you read it you weren’t at the place where you could see yourself there.

    The best thing about this is – when you saw it you did something about it! You are amazing and strong and you are doing what you need to do to take care of you. Do you know how hard that is to do? So many women have that light bulb moment but are too afraid (of him, of being on their own, etc.) that they stay. But you left! Knowing it would be hard, full of challenges, knowing that now you have to figure out who you are and where you belong. But you are doing it and I love you for it.

    I’ll be here to cheer you on as you fight the good fight. (Man, can I be cheesy or what?)


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