right now

Nothing profound here. Just somewhat overwhelmed by my feelings. I had an intense weekend reconnecting with some out of town family, including some little ones.  Little ones and babies and moms, including my younger sister.  Especially now, since the Great Escape, I don’t really know if I’ll ever get the chance to be a mom.  When I was still with Mr. X, I figured I’d get to one way or another despite our fertility challenges, though I do recognize that probably was fairly arrogant of me.

Back when I had my old blog, there was something I couldn’t bring myself to write about (and probably a good thing, seeing as X was reading that blog) that happened a couple of weeks before my Big Realization (that our “problems” were really verbal/emotional abuse).  I had been thinking about his unwillingness to seek help for his problems and just how HARD everything was for me with him.  I was also thinking about a recent trip to visit my family and about how my sisters’ husbands were with them and their kids.  I tried to imagine what my life would actually be like with Mr. X and a little one and it just hit me smack!:  I knew I could never have children with him–regardless of fertility treatments, adoption, whatever.  I knew that it could never happen with him as he was.  I knew I could never do that–I didn’t know how I was going to avoid it, I just knew that I. could. not. do. it.

So, for those of you who “knew me then,” obviously I didn’t write about that, but it was pretty big.  And a couple of weeks later I read The Verbally Abusive Relationship again, and the veil of denial came off for good.

But this weekend I was at my nieces’ birthday party and was around for the first time in a really, really long time a bunch of little kids, and babies, and moms and something inside me twinged.  Or more than twinged, actually, more like crumbled.  Since the Great Escape I hadn’t really been thinking about my need to have a child so much, which is good as I need so much of my energy right now just to take care of myself.  But it became really real to me that I might never, really might never, have my own little one.  It seems like I had my best shot with X (which we all know would have been a disaster), and now it’s gone.  So I wasted my best years, my best shot on him, and who knows how long it will take for me to get my shit together to even be capable of being a mom, and now I feel like with all that he’s taken from me, wait!–here’s one more thing.

This wasn’t what I wanted to write.  I wanted to write something about how, you know, it’s ok, really.  I might be a mom someday or I might just be the greatest aunt ever, and I’m ok with that, but that’s not true.  What I would have told you up through last month was that the greatest pain of my life was infertility–the pain of not being able to have a child.  Now that I’m aware of all of this emotional abuse craziness, those two pains may be neck and neck for the Worst Pain Award, and I don’t know, the jury may be out for a while on that one.

So that’s where I am right now.  And I know that I have so much good in my life.  I have four beautiful nieces and one beautiful nephew.  I have two amazing sisters.  My parents have been more than I ever could have asked for.  I strangely ran into an old friend this weekend in this strange town far from home and totally spilled my guts to him in the middle of a bookstore about what’s happened this last month and he was amazing and sent me the greatest email yesterday.  A few people have contacted me to check on me and show their support once I let them in on what’s going on.  I have wonderful friends who have all supported me.  I have this blogging community, which helps me more than I can express.

And at the same time, I have this pain that seems to seep in through the cracks, it seems to reach up and grab me just when I’m letting the happiness take over.

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10 responses to “right now

  1. I wish I could do something to ease the pain. I have seen my younger sis through two abusive relationships and, thank God, she is now with a wonderful man. It was ugly and horrific and I’m so glad she got out in one piece. I am so thankful you got out before it was too late too.

  2. Again, I am so very thankful you got out before it escalated. It does get better I promise.

  3. I commend you for opening up to people. It took me three years to do that after my mom died. Obviously the two are different, but I couldn’t open up. It feels so much better to be able to open up, though. I’m glad your getting support. It’s going to take time to heal and your giving yourself that time. You’re doing an amazing job! Keep it up, girl!

  4. I wish I could think of something clever and witty to say, but I’m coming up short.

    Thinking of you as you navigate through this hellish journey and hoping that things start looking brighter soon.

  5. heya hun, i just kinda found the new digs again. Well, not that these new digs are super old, but I book marked this and didn’t get it into my reader. So hopefully I will get back to reading your last few weeks and catching up with you.

    But for right now – I’m thinking of you. ~hugs~

  6. I am thankful to be able to feel what you are going through by reading your words. It makes me feel like we are near each other and not miles and miles apart. I love you.

  7. Hey sweetie! it’s good to hear from you. Thanks for letting us know how you are doing. I’m still glad you got out when you did. I’ll continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

  8. Sorry it has taken me a few days to make it over here – my only excuse is cloudy-head. I am going to avoid platitudes cause who needs em?? I think this is going to be a hard transition for you, these next months. You have invested years of your life and so much emotion into your marriage and life with Mr. X=-= all of that has to be worked through, figured out, put into a box. And while you are focusing on the getting better, getting out, becoming whole part of it you will be grieving what could have been or should have been. Part of your awakening was to realize that what you thought was going to be your life wasn’t going to be. That is sad but also can be liberating. You are now at a place where you can look at yourself and decide who you want to be, where you want to be. I don’t think that the dream of having a baby is over, it doesn’t have to be. Maybe the way you envisioned it needs to change.

    I hope this is coming out okay – I don’t want to hurt or offend you cause I care and want you to be happy and safe and healthy. But I think that right now this time is going to suck and you’ll get through it eventually and it will get better. You have friends IRL and online who love and care for you and are cheering you on. (I mean ME! and others!) Just keep posting and writing what is in your head and working through it until you have the answers you are seeking. Hugs!!!!!

  9. (((HUGS)))

    I have a question: When you were with Mr. X, did you feel really happy? Really sad? Really ANYTHING? Because what you are going through right now is healthy. Like seriously healthy. You have experienced some major trauma, and are at a crossroads. It is normal and ok and totally healthy that you’ll feel more than one emotion at once.

    And ditto everything that Victoria said. You are at a crossroads; you can put your life back together in whatever way works for you. That means that nothing is off limits – a new relationship, a baby, whatever you want. Maybe the image of what your life will look like must change, but you know what? You can make that image into a new goal, one that is good for you on YOUR terms. You can do anything, be anything.

  10. Having been in a verbally abusive relationship, (before I met my YCU) I can relate to how you feel. It feels like coming up for air. Like having weight lifted off. Relief is what its called. I remember not understanding why he wouldn’t marry me. I remember not understanding why he refused to come to my family gatherings, but I was required to come to all of his or else. I remember buying an outfit with my own money on my own time and he made me take it back because I was spending too much money (he thought). I remember completely changing myself a little at a time because I was afraid he might not like something. When you finally realize that you need to get out, his voice enters your head: “You’ll never find anyone who treats you as well as I do. You’ll never find better than me. No one else would put up with your shit…etc.” Yeah. Your shit. It was all your fault that his workday was horrible and he came home and took it out on you. All your fault. Believe me, honey, I know. It’s such a hard step to take. But once you take it, you feel soo much better. I’m so sorry you had to go through this, but I’m soooo glad you got out and value yourself as worth more than that. You will heal. You will find someone who lights you up, and you will be a mom. I truly believe that.

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