What I wanted

I have kept journals ever since I was in eighth or ninth grade.  I have used them in different ways, but they have been very important to me ever since that time.

Until.

My journal writing stopped completely just after getting together with Mr. X.  Obviously I think that it is really significant, but the analysis will have to come another day.  I finally started writing again in February of 2008 after I had been seeing a counselor for a few months.  I had initially gone to her because of being overwhelmed by the infertility struggle, but very quickly many other issues came up.  Thanks to seeing her, and to some other work I did, particularly dealing with my compulsive eating issues, the abuse dynamic with X came into clearer and clearer focus in that last year until I left, and, well, here I am, processing about it all on the internet.

Once I started blogging, that kind of took the place of a physical journal, but I have two journals from more or less the last year.  I really wish that I had something from the intervening years–when I didn’t write anything, but I don’t, and that in and of itself speaks volumes.  Sometimes when I was at work, I wouldn’t be able to whip out my pretty little journal and just start writing down my feelings, so I would type things and sometimes print them out, if I felt like they were worth keeping.  I didn’t print out very much; usually I just typed to get my feelings out and then hit ‘delete.’

Before I made my Great Escape, I found one of these sheets of paper that I had written on one of those days at work.  The impetus for writing it was a conversation with my counselor.  She had asked me what I wanted out of my marriage.  I had started thinking of all the things that I had that I didn’t want, and I had started thinking about how I wished things were with X.  Below is what I wrote that day.  A lot of things are blatantly obvious to me as I read this now that were not when I wrote it.  As I read it now I pay particular attention to the phrases that I repeat.  I believe I wrote it sometime last summer, as I referred to it in a journal entry last September.  Here it is:

What do I want out of my marriage?  What do I want in a husband?

I want to be accepted fully.  I want to feel safe.  I want…

I want to feel that I can relax.  I want to feel that the burden is shared.  I want to feel pampered sometimes.

I want to feel so secure in his love.  I want to know that even if I gain 100 pounds, he will still want me.  I want to know that he loves my body.  I want to know that he sees all of me and still loves me.

I want to know that he can take care of himself.

I want a husband who doesn’t want or need me to be his mother.

I want to know that he can take care of himself.

I want to know that his happiness does not depend on me.

I want to feel safe.

I have not felt safe.  I stay in a state of fear.

I want to have no more “crazy fights.”

Why can’t I get what I want?

When I say what I need, I want to be heard.  I want to be heard with my quiet voice, not just with my yelling, crying, freaking out voice.  I want to know that he will value what I want and need, even if it is very different from his wants and needs, and even if he does not understand.

I want us to be two adults, independent, interdependent, but not dependent.

Two grown, individuated people who have chosen to meet life together.

I don’t want to feel stuck.

I don’t want to feel like I have no choice.

I don’t want to feel like I have to sublimate who I am to be safe.  I don’t want to have to work so hard, juggling so many balls, in order to feel ok.

I don’t need him that much.  I don’t need anyone that much.

I am part of this, too.

I want a marriage in which each person worries about their own feelings, and the other is there for support, but not to change the feelings, make them better, or talk the other person down.

I want more independence.

I want less enmeshment.

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6 responses to “What I wanted

  1. Wow…you did so well to break away from that.

  2. Thank you for the sweet comment on my blog. I think you preserved your sanity by breaking away from Mr. X.

    I kept journals off and on, mostly about boys, crushes, poems, stupid quotes and such, when I was growing up. Then I got teased for the contents of the journal and that was the end of it…but yes, I have been still doing it off and on.

    There are certain phrases that stand out for me:

    ” I want to know that he can take care of himself.
    I want less enmeshment.
    he will value what I want and need

    That therapist did you good.

  3. My gosh. So much of what you write sounds so familiar to me. My heart aches for the pain you’ve experienced.

  4. When I was young, I shared a room, and was always afraid my journal would be found, so I never kept one. I’ve found blogging to be very therapeutic now I’ve gotten older. It’s helped me to see things that I couldn’t put into words and then I was able to “diagnose and treat” as it were. Hang in there, sweet pea. You’re in the vulnerable stage right now. Just keep getting out of bed, going to work, and being you. You will make it. I promise.

  5. Wow – that is some serious sh*t right there. I want all the things you want / wanted. Thanks for sharing this with us. It has given me some food for thought about my own relationship. also makes me think about using my blog for more “processing.” 🙂

    Hope your well today. Hugs to you!

  6. The mind is a work of wonder. It allows us to “see” things the way we want to see them. The all of the sudden, the blanket is lifted and we see TRUE colors of everything. I’m glad you found that paper, I’m sorry if it hurt to look at it again. But look where you are now compared to then. You are on the path to loving yourself, your TRUE self. That, my friend, is worth everything!
    Thank you so very much for your comments on my post the other day. I appreciate your support so much. I wish I had the right words to tell you how much it means to me.

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