I just found out that one of my best friends is pregnant. She was one of the first three people I called after figuring out the lay of the land with Mr. X (the first was my mom, the other was my friend since fourth grade just so you know how this particular friend rates). I knew that she and her husband wanted to get pregnant and that it didn’t happen after they had been trying for a year and a half, when I last saw them (almost a year ago). They hadn’t been in a financial position to seek fertility treatment. They were just going to keep passively trying. As X and I had been through IF hell, I had oodles of sympathy for her/them and deep in my soul wanted nothing more than for them to conceive and have a child. She’s several years older than I am and was very much feeling the time crunch. Both of them have worked in child care and would be EXCELLENT parents. I have seen them with kids and they are p.h.e.n.o.m.e.n.a.l. They are amazing, thoughtful, fun people and the world is a better place with them in it.
So why do I feel punched in the gut today? Even according to my old fucked-up standards (only happy for infertiles who conceive) I “should” be ecstatic for them. I “should” be out planning baby showers and buying bassinets (the shower idea is only theoretical as they are currently studying overseas). But all I can think is, “They have my dream.” They have the dream that I want. I want to get pregnant. I want my own baby. At this point, I really don’t care about the man that may or may not go along with it, but that baby…that dream did not die with my marriage. I guess I was kind of hoping it did. Things would certainly be a lot simpler wouldn’t they?
And I feel like…I don’t even know. Because if these friends had been in the country when all this went down with X, they would have come to get me themselves. Maybe because it’s fucking mother’s day, or maybe because every new person I meet asks me if I have kids, and, as a matter of fact, I don’t. But, these friends? They would do anything for me, and all I can think is, it’s not fair, I want what you have. And I hate that.