I hate feeling this

I just found out that one of my best friends is pregnant.  She was one of the first three people I called after figuring out the lay of the land with Mr. X (the first was my mom, the other was my friend since fourth grade just so you know how this particular friend rates).  I knew that she and her husband wanted to get pregnant and that it didn’t happen after they had been trying for a year and a half, when I last saw them (almost a year ago).  They hadn’t been in a financial position to seek fertility treatment.  They were just going to keep passively trying.  As X and I had been through IF hell, I had oodles of sympathy for her/them and deep in my soul wanted nothing more than for them to conceive and have a child.  She’s several years older than I am and was very much feeling the time crunch.  Both of them have worked in child care and would be EXCELLENT parents.  I have seen them with kids and they are p.h.e.n.o.m.e.n.a.l.  They are amazing, thoughtful, fun people and the world is a better place with them in it.

So why do I feel punched in the gut today?  Even according to my old fucked-up standards (only happy for infertiles who conceive) I “should” be ecstatic for them.  I “should” be out planning baby showers and buying bassinets (the shower idea is only theoretical as they are currently studying overseas).  But all I can think is, “They have my dream.”  They have the dream that I want.  I want to get pregnant.  I want my own baby.  At this point, I really don’t care about the man that may or may not go along with it, but that baby…that dream did not die with my marriage.  I guess I was kind of hoping it did.  Things would certainly be a lot simpler wouldn’t they?

And I feel like…I don’t even know.  Because if these friends had been in the country when all this went down with X, they would have come to get me themselves.  Maybe because it’s fucking mother’s day, or maybe because every new person I meet asks me if I have kids, and, as a matter of fact, I don’t.  But, these friends?  They would do anything for me, and all I can think is, it’s not fair, I want what you have.  And I hate that.

11 responses to “I hate feeling this

  1. {{{Hugs}}} sweetie. I remember being bitterly jealous when my best friend got surprised with her third pregnancy (she was pregnant with her 1st when I was pregnant with my 2nd). I never said anything to her but I felt like crap that I was so jealous and upset about it. We all go through that.

  2. Oh I know that feeling and it totally sucks! I’m sorry you’re having to feel that right now. Allow yourself to feel it, come to terms with it and then let it go. Well try to at least. A very dear, amazing, smart woman told me once, “it’s ok to not be ok sometimes”. This is one of your times. Be gentle with your emotions today.
    Sending you many hugs and lots of love.

  3. rosesdaughter

    ((BIG HUGS)) to you today.

  4. I know this feeling so well .. I too get sucker punched everytime I hear of a friend who is Expecting .. try not to beat yourself up, your not really angry or upset at your friends .. just very sad for what might have been. I don’t believe for a second you wish to take away thier dream .. you just are Searching for your Own .

    This is really flippin hard.. and its fine not to be ok sometimes ..

    Sending you hugs and warm wishes today

    Take care xX

  5. Oh, sweetie. I so relate to this. I think there comes a point when you’ve had so many losses (of whatever kind) that you can’t even be happy for the infertiles anymore. I mean, speaking for myself, I sort of am, but I’m also not. It feels like a zero-sum game – every infertile that beats the odds makes it less likely that I will. Even though I know that’s irrational.

    One thing for sure – you can be proud that you took such a huge step towards your ultimate dream – because that dream wasn’t going to happen with TR. It just sucks to be in the in-between place.

    Hugs to you.

  6. I can also relate to this. I may be happy now, but for many, many, many months before that, I was fucking pissed off at the world, and at everyone that was pregnant in it. I felt horrible about myself, and all I could do was cry. You’re normal, sweetheart. Keep your chin up, and just deep breathe. I had to wait to meet my new nephew until he was 8 weeks old. I couldn’t go to the baby shower, and I couldn’t go to the hospital. I couldn’t handle it. It happens to all of us. Deep breaths, and tell yourself you can do it. Hugs. Lots and lots of hugs.

  7. And take your time. You need to get yourself right before you can be happy for anyone else. Even though you love your friend, it might be better for you that they’re in another country, for the moment.

  8. I’ve struggled with similar feelings before, feelings of envy for what someone else has. Then it made me feel guilty that I was so envious. I hope that soon you will feel better about your friends and that the being a mother will somehow happen for you.

  9. I know that feeling! How can you not feel sadness and bitterness when you see someone living the life and dream that you want for yourself? It would be superhuman to resist no matter how deserving or awesome the newly pregnant woman. With that said, I’m sorry you have to feel it at all. I’m with princessoftides (above) – you are moving closer to achieving this dream.


  10. I so can relate to that feeling. Why do they get to get what I want so much while I don’t.. Only a few hours ago the green monster visited again when I opened an e-mail from my sister which included photos of her kids (she sent them to all the family). Why can’t I just be happy to see those little faces who I truly love and adore?
    Sending a huge hug your way.

  11. Envying the people we love is one of the WORST side effects of this journey. The good news is you’re totally freaking normal!

    I’m wondering, though, why do you think you “should” be so happy for them and planning showers and shit? I don’t think most people care about pregnancies of others. I mean, aside from our mothers and grandmothers. Friends are happy for you, but I think it’s kinda like – yeah, congrats. It’ll be cool to meet your kid. And then they go back to their own lives. So why do you feel the need to be super ecstatic? You’ve been through SO MUCH lately. Give yourself a break.

    Sending you a hug.

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