an unexpected encounter in a place long thought gone

Today I got a silly song in my head and my thoughts wandered down a bunny trail, as my thoughts are likely to do, and I ended up in a place I did not expect ever to be again, which was a place of fond feelings for Mr. X.  Fond feelings and affection, which soon lead, of course, to feelings of hurt, shock, and dismay, that this person for whom I felt such love could have treated me so horribly (and for the duration of our relationship, for the record).

And this is what it comes down to really:  I really want to hate him.  I want to wish him harm.  That would be so much easier.  And today surprised me so much, because I haven’t been longing for him, I haven’t been thinking of times with him with anything at all like nostalgia–more like disbelief.  My good friend, H, put it this way:  I have been reacting much like one whose loved one has died after a long illness; it is as if my marriage died after a long, brutal illness and I have been feeling mostly relief and not mourning over it’s loss.

Until today.  Which is why it surprised me so.  And I don’t want to feel anything positive for this person who still would hurt me any way he could (just ask my divorce attorney).  Today I was right back in the middle of the questions of how this person who said he loved me could treat me like his…I can’t even think of a good analogy.

Fuck the questions.  I’d rather hate him.

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8 responses to “an unexpected encounter in a place long thought gone

  1. He does it cause he thinks that’s love. I bet if you examine the relationship his parents have, it’s very similar. Or if not, then the sonovabitch is just a sociopath, thinks it’s fun to fuck with you, and you’re well rid of him.

  2. Hate can be exhausting… It sounds good, but once you’re actually in that zone… ugh…

    Hang in there. Take it a day at a time. And I agree, fuck the questions – there’s no answers there.

    Mr. Shelby
    ICLW

  3. Thinking of you.

    Hugs,
    Jo

  4. I’ve found that most of our healing in any loss requires a spiral rather than a linear path. Eventually, I hope you will find that though you revisit some emotions eventually, you’ll find you’ve progressed. Emotional abuse is insidious and I think it’s courageous of you to look inside and know how you are feeling and expressing those feelings. Thinking of you and sending you hope.

    ICLW

  5. I’ve been reading (and admiring) your journey for some time, and your post today is a reminder of how difficult and winding the path is and how much courage you have for continuing to travel down it.

    I’m certainly no expert, but I would imagine it’s not expected to find something good to linger on – no matter how small or ethereal – even in the midst of the most difficult situations. I think it’s part of how we cope.

    You’re in my thoughts.

  6. {{{Hugs}}}…there were moments that seemed good or you never would have married him. Its natural to miss those moments.

  7. It can be such a hard place to be in. You once loved him. I’m sorry this has been a difficult time for you. I hope it gets better soon. Hugs to you.

  8. Grief is a process – you’ll go through all sorts to different emotions… from anger to elation. I think it’s completely normal for you to grieve for the person that you thought you were marrying – even if it is easier to have anger toward the person he became. It’s all part of the process of putting yourself back together. I’ll be praying for you.

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