Today I got a silly song in my head and my thoughts wandered down a bunny trail, as my thoughts are likely to do, and I ended up in a place I did not expect ever to be again, which was a place of fond feelings for Mr. X. Fond feelings and affection, which soon lead, of course, to feelings of hurt, shock, and dismay, that this person for whom I felt such love could have treated me so horribly (and for the duration of our relationship, for the record).
And this is what it comes down to really: I really want to hate him. I want to wish him harm. That would be so much easier. And today surprised me so much, because I haven’t been longing for him, I haven’t been thinking of times with him with anything at all like nostalgia–more like disbelief. My good friend, H, put it this way: I have been reacting much like one whose loved one has died after a long illness; it is as if my marriage died after a long, brutal illness and I have been feeling mostly relief and not mourning over it’s loss.
Until today. Which is why it surprised me so. And I don’t want to feel anything positive for this person who still would hurt me any way he could (just ask my divorce attorney). Today I was right back in the middle of the questions of how this person who said he loved me could treat me like his…I can’t even think of a good analogy.
Fuck the questions. I’d rather hate him.