stupid stupid stupid

So let it be a lesson to you that a little bit of fa.cebook stalking can soon lead to worlds of regret.

Mr. X and I are obviously no longer FB “friends,” but we have mutual “friends” in common (30 or so?), so it is inevitable that I would see his tiny profile pic next to some asinine comment about something.  And when I did, I just had to click on it and see it a little bigger, as it was a new photo, and he was WITH A PUPPY.  Yes, I know, none of my business…this is why it’s called stalking.  So I did this several times (and there is no way I would admit this if this were not an anonymous blog–the shame is too, too deep).  Then, I realized that I could see a bit more of his “profile” (so sorry for those who are not familiar with fa.cebook), and the curiosity was just too much.  Too, too much and I was way too weak.

So I saw 16 new photos that he recently uploaded, mostly of his new puppy.  The whole time I was looking I was thinking, “This is bad, I am going to feel very bad, I need to stop now.”  Of course, I didn’t stop.  I even called my friend, Cherry, so that she could tell me to stop, get off line, berate me*, whatever, but she didn’t answer.  So I looked and looked.  And later (i.e., now) I felt really bad.

And the feelings are mixed up and contradictory and I’m trying really hard to not be too self-condemning on this one (and there are many reasons I am finding to be self-condemning, it seems).  The mixed up-ness kind of goes like this:

  • He has a puppy…I kind of want to be there with him and that puppy.
  • Fuck him and his stupid puppy!  I’ve got Miss Famous and she’s better than any cute little puppy any day!
  • I shouldn’t care what’s going on with him, anyway.  He hurt me so bad I should turn my back on him and never look back.
  • Remember those pictures?  The ones with our married neighbor, D, who he was hanging out with X all the time before I left?  Wow, that one photo shows one of her big harps actually set up in our house.  I’m, um, not sure how I feel about that.
  • Oh, yeah, that was jealousy.
  • Jealous!  Over that bastard?!?!  What are you, crazy?  What, are you ready to go back to him or something?  Pathetic…
  • How come he didn’t look sad in these pictures?  Didn’t I mean anything to him?
  • He sure seems to have moved on rather quickly.
  • What would he think if he saw how I was doing?
  • Why do I care?
  • Why did I look at those pictures?
  • Why did I do this?

And on, and on, ad infinitum…

So, I am trying to get the words like “should” out of my vocabulary.  Like, “I shouldn’t care about him,” or “I should be over this,” etc.  Sometimes this feels like recovering from abuse, and sometimes it just feels like a regular breakup.  It’s kind of a mind-fuck, so I guess that part of our relationship hasn’t changed.

I’m working, working, working on the self-kindness, and waiting for the day when, if I run across a random group of photos of Mr. X’s new life, I won’t be overwhelmed by curiosity.

*Of course, she would not berate me, but she would be pretty convincing to get me to stop looking, which is why I called her.

15 responses to “stupid stupid stupid

  1. I can’t preach/inspire…coz even if I tried, I would fail miserably…I do not know the details of your life first hand, nor am I completely aware of what happened between you two…

    but I can gather this much….you are trying to start your life, anew…

    And he is not waiting to wilt on his doorsteps…that new pup is a sign that he too is seeking companionship/new indulgences…

    Maybe he did not take it as hard as you did…

    Curiosity is normal, Jealousy is normal, Checking back on your ex is normal…but making oneself miserable over why the other person is happy/happier/seemingly happy, is wrong…not for the other person…coz he is not worried about what you think….it is wrong for yourself because rather than sticking to the oasis, you are collecting more sand from the desert.

  2. I think the curiosity thing is just a phase of getting over a past relationship. Of course you wonder what he’s up to. On the other hand, why would you be surprised that he isn’t sad? I don’t know much of your story, but from your descriptions, sad is not something that Mr. X would feel under any circumstances. Sorry for himself? Maybe. Irritated? Definitely. Sad? Unlikely.

    At any rate, try to keep your Facebook stalking to a minimum…it doesn’t do you any good.

  3. ‘Avoid Voldemort like plague of boils because he is sadistic sociopath who thinks it’s funny to abuse me emotionally’ should be your new mantra. I’ll help any way I can.

  4. I would SO be doing the exact same thing! Absolutely NO JUDGEMENT here. I’ve got some estranged family members on facebook that aren’t my “friends” and I can’t help stalking them, too. It’s human, I think.

    And your conflicting feelings are natural, too. You can’t simply turn them off after years of being married just because you realized what a complete asshole he really is.

    It WILL get better (or so I’m told. . . )

    Thinking of you,

  5. Just wanted to commend you on dropping the “shoulds”. My therapist says that shoulds are in a demanding paradigm, where if you fail, you feel horrible about yourself and if you complete the task, you don’t get real happiness because it was what you _should_ have done.

    If you change the paradigm to a preferring paradigm, than should becomes prefer or would like to. EX: I’d like to get my house clean, and I’m going to work on it diligently, but it may not get done today and that’s OK.

  6. We’ve ALL done the FB stalking in one form or another. it’s human nature! You’re doing what you can to move on. There is not “rule book” with a time line in it, so you’re totally fine. Hang in there, love. You’re doing a WONDERFUL job. Want my phone number so I can “talk you off the ledge”?

  7. He probably feels like he needs to “look” happy, you know, play the part. You left him and I’m sure he feels like a real ass. (a much deserved ass nonetheless) You don’t really think he’s going to let his friends on FB think he’s hurt, do you? As far as the pic of some girl’s tatas – I get the jealousy. But ultimately, you know you did what was best for you. So don’t beat yourself up so much for looking. You were married to this guy – you would be weird if you could just never look back.

    Anyway, it’s all part of the healing, I’m sure.

  8. I think the “stalking” you describe is normal. Yup, I said it. You are normal. And you have been emotionally abused and so please try to be gentle with yourself.

    It’s OK that you have curiosity. Consider that he knows that you will still have some access to pics of his life. He will stage pics of the life he wishes to project; it might be on the off chance you’ll see them and be hurt by them. It might be for the “benefit” of others. His narcissism likely permeates all of his “relationships.” In my own experience, I had to tell my family to NEVER repeat what he said about anything to me. If he called them, they were to say, “no, I won’t deliver that message.” As far as I know they complied. (Although, any crazy threats would of course get the attention they deserved. Thankfully we didn’t have to go there.)

    Here’s why I put on the gag rule. He NEEDed me to give a shit about him. That’s what the whole relationship was about–me serving the twisted emotional needs of him. And I was no longer going to participate. When you cut off the one way communication, the emotional abuser loses some power, and that is the worst thing ever for them ( I think).

    BUT, with all that, I wanted to share with you, how very normal it is to want to “peak” in. I’ve gotten in my own way, in terms of sticking to the no contact rule, by using google searches and I’ll be brutally honest here. I wanted to discover that he folded and was miserable without me. I wanted him to suffer. Like you, I don’t feel particularly good about it.

    Please be gentle with yourself. You are healing and working hard to create a good life for yourself. Peace.

  9. {{{Hugs}}} and don’t beat yourself up about the shoulda, coulda, wouldas. You are doing fabulously and he is a major ASS. That’s all there is to it. And, don’t you remember that the face he presents to the public is NOT real.

  10. I too think the FB stalking thing is normal. I’ve even caught myself doing it from time to time with ex-friends. I think A above said it very well. All of this is normal for you. For him though sad my just not be part of his emotions. Be gentle with yourself. Hugs to you.

  11. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It is only human to be curious and all of the emotions you are feeling are valid. It is hard to think of him moving on, getting a puppy, doing whatever the heck he is doing with the married neighbor lady. Also, someone above said this and I agree: keep in mind that these are images that he is trying to project to the world. He wants people to think he is good, happy, moving on, unaffected. He would never put his true status or feelings on Facebook.

    If it makes you feel better, I “stalk” people on FB all the time!

  12. rosesdaughter

    Curisosity or facebook “stalking” is normal. Don’t feel bad about that. You are only human!!

  13. I had a therapist that said ” I will not should on myself today. ” I thought it was very powerful. Wishing you good things in the times to come without that guy and in your newly created and very healthy life.
    Happy ICLW!

  14. dragonflymama

    Echoing everyone’s comments here, very strongly! Give yourself as much time as you need to process and grieve. And give yourself a lot of credit for calling a friend–even if she wasn’t available right then–to help you do what’s good for you. And speaking from experience–I still google my did-me-wrong college boyfriend– you may never stop f.b. stalking an ex, but as time goes by, it will stop punching you in the gut.

  15. It’s hard not to be curious. Give yourself some time. Hang in there, Hon. ((Hugs))

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