So let it be a lesson to you that a little bit of fa.cebook stalking can soon lead to worlds of regret.
Mr. X and I are obviously no longer FB “friends,” but we have mutual “friends” in common (30 or so?), so it is inevitable that I would see his tiny profile pic next to some asinine comment about something. And when I did, I just had to click on it and see it a little bigger, as it was a new photo, and he was WITH A PUPPY. Yes, I know, none of my business…this is why it’s called stalking. So I did this several times (and there is no way I would admit this if this were not an anonymous blog–the shame is too, too deep). Then, I realized that I could see a bit more of his “profile” (so sorry for those who are not familiar with fa.cebook), and the curiosity was just too much. Too, too much and I was way too weak.
So I saw 16 new photos that he recently uploaded, mostly of his new puppy. The whole time I was looking I was thinking, “This is bad, I am going to feel very bad, I need to stop now.” Of course, I didn’t stop. I even called my friend, Cherry, so that she could tell me to stop, get off line, berate me*, whatever, but she didn’t answer. So I looked and looked. And later (i.e., now) I felt really bad.
And the feelings are mixed up and contradictory and I’m trying really hard to not be too self-condemning on this one (and there are many reasons I am finding to be self-condemning, it seems). The mixed up-ness kind of goes like this:
- He has a puppy…I kind of want to be there with him and that puppy.
- Fuck him and his stupid puppy! I’ve got Miss Famous and she’s better than any cute little puppy any day!
- I shouldn’t care what’s going on with him, anyway. He hurt me so bad I should turn my back on him and never look back.
- Remember those pictures? The ones with our married neighbor, D, who he was hanging out with X all the time before I left? Wow, that one photo shows one of her big harps actually set up in our house. I’m, um, not sure how I feel about that.
- Oh, yeah, that was jealousy.
- Jealous! Over that bastard?!?! What are you, crazy? What, are you ready to go back to him or something? Pathetic…
- How come he didn’t look sad in these pictures? Didn’t I mean anything to him?
- He sure seems to have moved on rather quickly.
- What would he think if he saw how I was doing?
- Why do I care?
- Why did I look at those pictures?
- Why did I do this?
And on, and on, ad infinitum…
So, I am trying to get the words like “should” out of my vocabulary. Like, “I shouldn’t care about him,” or “I should be over this,” etc. Sometimes this feels like recovering from abuse, and sometimes it just feels like a regular breakup. It’s kind of a mind-fuck, so I guess that part of our relationship hasn’t changed.
I’m working, working, working on the self-kindness, and waiting for the day when, if I run across a random group of photos of Mr. X’s new life, I won’t be overwhelmed by curiosity.