So a had an interesting comment on my last post.
On one hand, I think it might be counter-productive to relive the past and try to determine what made you put up with someone else’s b.s. for so long – because you’re counting on answers that may not be there (or easily discernible from general life experiences). On the other hand, who can resist a good rehashing of the past? You might find some answers too. Good luck in your quest. I hope you find some answers (or at least, some peace)
So, generally a very caring comment from a supportive bloggy friend.
I got somewhat stuck on the counter-productivity/reliving the past bit and got very thinky about it for a while. While trying to figure out how to articulate what bothered me about this, I landed on this William Faulkner quote buried somewhere in my memory:
“The past isn’t dead. It isn’t even past.”
And surely Mr. Faulkner had something in mind other than my own angst and interpersonal issues (note ironic tone here). But “rehashing the past” in this case feels quite like rehashing the present, if it’s possible to say that. That is to say that the “issues” (to keep re-using this much overly-used term that I am much-guilty of over-using) that were born in the past didn’t stay there; we keep playing the same old games over and over and over and over and over again. And that’s my present, that’s my now.
So if the pesky past would just stay there, I’d be very glad to let it. But it doesn’t. It is in me, it is me. I keep replaying that record, hoping that the song will end differently this time, please let it. And it doesn’t. It never does, as much as I think, when that chord change happens there, and that guitar riff goes like that, then this time, maybe, maybe the song will be different…
It’s never different. The only way to change it will be to go back and change the fucking record off the player.
So I was going to just answer a in a comment, but then it got too long, and so it became this whole thing. I do want to say thank you, a, though, for inspiring me to be a little clearer (was I clearer? not so sure with all the weird musical metaphors) about my “process.” Process. That’s another one of those over-used words, isn’t it?