So a few things happened around the same time and played off each other and have been wreaking havoc in my mind/heart/soul what-have-you ever since, which is the way the universe seems to work for me, and always has.
First, which I have already mentioned in previous posts, was that my emotional focus seemed to shift from X and his aftermath to dealing with family of origin issues (i.e. my mom and dad & family, etc.). This was in large part due to the work I’ve started doing on codependency, using this book mostly.
Second, I’ve been spending some time over at Lavender Luz’s, in her chakra series. (Oh, and vote for her as most inspiring blog, please!) I started reading this series, basically because I didn’t know anything at all about chakras, and wanted to. I wasn’t really looking for anything in particular, but I’m really intrigued by spiritual systems, and then she super-intrigued me by including a connection to jewish mystical thought with each chakra. I took the test that she linked to and learned about my own “chakra issues.” So, the way I am looking at this chakra business, is (obviously very simplified and I don’t know all that much about it at all and feel free to give your input in the comments): each represents one way we function in the world. Certain areas we are “stronger” in or “weaker” in; we may under-rely on some areas or over-rely on others. There is a spiritual element, and the whole thing is very holistic. I find it fascinating. More about this in a bit.
Third, I remembered something from my childhood/adolesence. Nothing like a repressed memory or anything, more like I remembered how I used to cope with some of my feelings, and realized how bad I must have been feeling to need to cope in that way. A little bit more of the wall of denial coming down, the illusion of the happy childhood blowing away. Sorry to be so vague, but I’m not quite ready to be more clear about this one.
Back to the chakras. What the test told me, which was no surprise, really, was that my “weakest” chakra (I don’t think this is the correct terminology, but you understand) is the root chakra. In LL’s words:
The Root Chakra is where we hold tribal issues…The color is red. As in blood (blood ties, blood vengeance, blood brothers, bloodlines)…The root chakra has to do with survival, grounding, security, and safety.
So I don’t know if the connections between the things I mentioned above are obvious to anyone else, but they are like a rock in my shoe to me–I just can’t get past them or get much else accomplished until I sit down and deal with it. Then again, I am the only one living inside this experience, and I am not always very good at conveying my experience verbally.
Right now I am using this information as a confirmation and as a launching point. I know what the work is that I need to be doing right now, but I am, alas, a bit of a slow learner. The universe seems to keep repeating itself to me until I get the message.