In thinking about this post, I kept coming back to this certain image from a song I really like, and I really wanted to use this image to explain what I wanted to say. One problem is that the song is not in English, another problem is that the only online translation I found doesn’t do a literal translation of the one line I wanted it to, but we can deal, right?
The song is “D.ime Que No” by Ricardo A.rjona. The line I was thinking of is “dame esa sí como cuentagotas,” which literally means “give me that yes by an eyedropper,” but more figuratively (and how it makes more sense), “tell me yes little by little.”
The thing about this image that I like is the idea of the little by little, the bit by bit, the thing that can be so implausible, so unacceptable (this is me here, not the song) at one time can be perfectly acceptable later, or at least manageable, and the difference comes not in giant bursts, but little by little, bit by bit, drip by drip by drop by drop.
(Granted, I’ve taken this one image from the song and gone way into left field with it, but this is the way my mind works sometimes…ok, a lot.)
I remember back when I first had to see the fertility “specialist” at my ob/gyn’s way back in 2007. I have PCOS, and in the initial stages of the infertility war that X and I fought, that’s “all” we thought we were dealing with. Little did we know what was to come–severe male factor infertility, fibroids that would prevent our doing IVF (due to the insurance not covering the surgery–long story), other factors that would keep putting roadblocks in our path, one after another after another.*
I remember coming home after my HSG (yes, I went alone–stupid) and talking to my friend Cherry, who happened to have just gotten there for a visit, and to X. Both of them were a little taken aback by how totally demoralized I was by the whole thing, and this was way at the beginning, and my doctor had been very hopeful, but I felt like I had been cut off at the knees. (Now I know why, of course, is because I was holding on a little too hard to the idea of the magical pregnancy and the magical baby to make everything better. Then, I just knew I was cut off at the knees.)
If you had told me then, in that moment, at the beginning, how long a path it would be, and that, in fact, I would not actually end up having any children with Mr. X, well, I don’t know what I would have done, but it wouldn’t have been good, and it wouldn’t have been healthy, and I might actually have just gone crazy. But the truth came little by little, drop by drop (though at times it felt like a tsunami), and here I am today, certainly better and healthier than I was at that agonizing post-HSG moment.
Today I found out some X-related stuff that even a month ago I think would have had me scrambling and anxious and freaked the fuck out, not to mention bawling like one of those babies that I don’t have. If I had found out this stuff two or three months ago? Hell, the shaking probably would have started up again, and who knows when it would have stopped.
But I found it out today, after many, many, many days of bit by bit by bit of learning who he really is, so when I found out that he hasn’t been paying the mortgage since I left (though he has plenty of money to pay it ), I wasn’t so shocked.** And I had already come to terms with the fact that there are so many things that are out of my control, and this in particular is one of them. So I’m not freaked, which is strange for me, if you know me at all, but I like it and could really get used to this mode of interacting with the world.
But I probably shouldn’t have laughed at the customer service rep when she told me.
*Of course, now I see all of this as one of the greatest things that ever happened to me, and I do not say that lightly. I cannot imagine trying to deal with him right now with a baby/child. I probably wouldn’t have left, but that’s another post or ten.
**Well, either that, or the fact that I had just had one of Frank’s cookies to soothe my soul before finding all of this out. Personally, I’m thinking they’re better than anti-anxiety meds.