Well, first of all, Wiseguy wins the internets for coining the phrase, the Ri.ddle Ripple Effect, or RRE for short. I will have to use this in the future as much as possible. If you missed it, all the gory details are in my last post.
So that post was all about anger and how I’m pretty incompetent at dealing with it. I’ve been thinking a lot about it the last few days. In the past, I’ve learned that sadness will not kill me if I allow myself to feel it. Somehow, I want to learn this about anger, as well. Lori said in her comment on my last post:
Anger is just an emotion, a guide, no more or less valid than other emotions. If you allow it motion, rather than ignoring it, it will move through you and not have power over you. What if you allowed yourself to feel it, to examine it — for just a little bit?
What if, indeed? The thing is, I am discovering that I am afraid of my anger, much in the same way that I used to be afraid of my grief. Afraid it might take over, afraid of what I might do under its influence, afraid of how I might change…
But, the thing is, my life has already been turned upside down. My life has already been turned inside out…I want to change, I need to change, there is still the old fear and “comfort” holding me back. This “comfort” that is really not-comfort, because, as the last few days have reminded me, swallowing feelings that should be felt is not at all comfortable.
Which brings me to an interesting question…my friend Cherry asked me, all that time, when I was not conscious of feeling angry, where did the anger go? The answer to this one, I know. Into my body. Chronic back and neck pain, stomach problems (including ulcers), chronic and frequent migraines, and of course, emotional eating. I talked about that one on my old blog a lot more (can there be “a lot” if you only have a blog for three months?), but it is still relevant. Emotional eating isn’t “bad behavior,” it is a signal that something is going on, it is my body’s way of trying to get my attention.
So that’s where the anger went. And there’s a lot of it, if the number of migrai.ne pills I’ve taken and still take, and the pain pills for my muscle pain, the mouth guard for my teeth grinding, the teeth I have actually ground down (I’ve been known to grind in the daytime), the chiropractors’ bills, the anti-depressants, the food eaten in secret…I could go on…and on…
So I am working on it. My goal is the next time I feel angry, to feel it, like I did with sadness. Sadness didn’t kill me, and I doubt that anger will–unless I don’t learn to deal with it.
I have some other goals, like writing some letters that I will never send. The funny thing is, it is a lot easier to focus on my anger on the people on the periphery, like this guy who de-friended me or some other people who I expected more of. I have a hard time focusing on my anger at X, kind of like it’s hard to stare straight at the sun. Cherry said to look at dealing with my anger at these other folks like practice. So, I’ll practice, and eventually I’ll get to Mr. X.
I don’t think in the way Nina suggested, but you never know…