more rollin’ with the angerball

Well, first of all, Wiseguy wins the internets for coining the phrase, the Ri.ddle Ripple Effect, or RRE for short.  I will have to use this in the future as much as possible.  If you missed it, all the gory details are in my last post.

So that post was all about anger and how I’m pretty incompetent at dealing with it.  I’ve been thinking a lot about it the last few days.  In the past, I’ve learned that sadness will not kill me if I allow myself to feel it.  Somehow, I want to learn this about anger, as well.  Lori said in her comment on my last post:

Anger is just an emotion, a guide, no more or less valid than other emotions.  If you allow it motion, rather than ignoring it, it will move through you and not have power over you. What if you allowed yourself to feel it, to examine it — for just a little bit?

What if, indeed?  The thing is, I am discovering that I am afraid of my anger, much in the same way that I used to be afraid of my grief.  Afraid it might take over, afraid of what I might do under its influence, afraid of how I might change…

But, the thing is, my life has already been turned upside down.  My life has already been turned inside out…I want to change, I need to change, there is still the old fear and “comfort” holding me back.  This “comfort” that is really not-comfort, because, as the last few days have reminded me, swallowing feelings that should be felt is not at all comfortable.

Which brings me to an interesting question…my friend Cherry asked me, all that time, when I was not conscious of feeling angry, where did the anger go?  The answer to this one, I know.  Into my body.  Chronic back and neck pain, stomach problems (including ulcers), chronic and frequent migraines, and of course, emotional eating.  I talked about that one on my old blog a lot more (can there be “a lot” if you only have a blog for three months?), but it is still relevant.  Emotional eating isn’t “bad behavior,” it is a signal that something is going on, it is my body’s way of trying to get my attention.

So that’s where the anger went.  And there’s a lot of it, if the number of pills I’ve taken and still take, and the pain pills for my muscle pain, the mouth guard for my teeth grinding, the teeth I have actually ground down (I’ve been known to grind in the daytime), the chiropractors’ bills, the anti-depressants, the food eaten in secret…I could go on…and on…

So I am working on it.  My goal is the next time I feel angry, to feel it, like I did with sadness.  Sadness didn’t kill me, and I doubt that anger will–unless I don’t learn to deal with it.

I have some other goals, like writing some letters that I will never send.  The funny thing is, it is a lot easier to focus on my anger on the people on the periphery, like this guy who de-friended me or some other people who I expected more of.  I have a hard time focusing on my anger at X, kind of like it’s hard to stare straight at the sun.  Cherry said to look at dealing with my anger at these other folks like practice.  So, I’ll practice, and eventually I’ll get to Mr. X.

I don’t think in the way Nina suggested, but you never know…


7 responses to “more rollin’ with the angerball

  1. Damn girl, this post was well-written. I love how you compared focusing on Mr. X to looking directly at the sun. Classic.

    I missed the last post but read it today – sorry about the defriending.

    It sounds like you have your head in a good place and although you have a lot on your plate, I feel really confident that you’ll move through these emotions and get to a truly peaceful and happy place soon.

    Thinking of you always and cheering you on as you confront the things in your past.

  2. I still think spray paint and gasoline would be cathartic. Barring that, I think you’re handling things admirably. You’ll come out better on the other side. I can see it from here.

  3. I’ll offer up a nice, heavy duty cast iron frying pan to go along with Nina’s spray paint and gasoline. I’ve always wanted to attempt to beat some sense into someone and I think Mr. X is an ideal candidate (not that he would actually learn anything but, hey, it’s a good excuse).

    Your insight into this whole process is amazing and I really, really think you should consider turning this whole story into a book.

  4. Yay for you!! You sound like you are tackling this head on and dealing with it very well.

  5. I think you are a very wise and aware woman.

  6. Well, now that you know where your anger is funnelling into, I guess it is time to decide whether the funnel spout is in the right direction.

    A little overall-wellness will do you good. How about starting meditation, or getting back in touch with a lost hobby to do the trick?

    You cannot simply put a finger on your anger straight. It is a result of a lot of things shitting out at the same time.

    Try to be and feel better overall.

    And otherwise, make sure that you have a hate-pillow and a love-pillow. Kick the hate-pillow and hug the love-pillow, but do not leave the anger inside you.

    Have a creative outlet, and get a good job! Start your life!!!

  7. Anger was a tough one for me, too. Actually anger is a hard emotion for me all the time. I don’t like to be angry, but sometimes it’s necessary in order to move forward. I hope you can find the anger, kick it’s ass, and be healthier and stronger because of it.

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