some realizations

♦  I don’t really have to DO anything with all of this anger that is bubbling up to the surface.  This may be somewhat of a “duh” point for many of you, but it’s kind of a new one for me.  Maybe because anger is such an intense emotion and filled with energy, maybe because it’s so uncomfortable for me (for a number of reasons centering around beliefs that I shouldn’t get angry), maybe because it’s in my nature to not leave loose ends and anger seems to leave so many flapping in the breeze.  But all I have to do is feel it.  Just feel it.  I don’t have to yell at anyone.  I don’t have to “vent.”  I don’t have to go find justice for myself.  All I have to do is feel it.  I have spent so much energy trying not to feel it, so much energy pushing it down and turning away and running from it that it feels really radical to just sit or stand or walk or breathe and have this anger pulsing through me and not think that I Have. To. Make. It. Stop. Now.  But I don’t.

♦  My food issues, my emotional eating is my primary way of avoiding my anger.  I cannot focus on food and feeling at the same time.  Or rather, not focus on food, which is more likely when using food to escape.  Anyway, the way I use food definitely has helped me to avoid the anger.  Sometimes it feels like I am eating the anger instead of the food.  Or eating the anger instead of feeling it.

♦  I associate feeling angry with feeling impotent, feeling powerless, feeling weak.  No wonder I want to avoid feeling angry.

♦  I was never taught to defend myself.  This is kind of an important lesson.  I don’t mean, take the kid in the backyard and give her boxing lessons.  Nobody ever said (or showed me) that you could say, “I don’t want you to talk to me that way,” and walk away, or sit there, or whatever.  Nobody ever said, “You can stand up for yourself.”  Ever.  I was never taught how to stand up for myself.  The part that kind of messed with my head though, is that I was taught to defend others, and stand up for others.  I just wasn’t taught that I could ever, I should ever do that for myself.  The lesson I was taught, indirectly, but very clearly, was that, when verbally assaulted, lie down and take it.  And I was a great student.  A+ for me.  So now I get to learn this lesson on my own.  But I am extremely motivated, and like I said, a great student.

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7 responses to “some realizations

  1. Good for you. I like how you phrased it about not learning how to defend yourself. Sometimes I feel like I have no idea how to defend myself. I am terrified of standing up for myself and drawing attention to myself unless I am so mad I can’t see straight and then what I should say sort of comes out although sometimes in a less than helpful manner. Good for you for working to figure out how to feel the feelings and when it’s ok or needed for you to react to them.

  2. You are a great student :-)!
    Wonderful how you go down deep, analyzing and achieving these realizations.

    Regarding anger, I am on the other side – I am too full of anger..

  3. As a kid and young adult, I wasn’t good at defending myself either. I’m not sure what really changed it for me but it did. You are a fabulous student (As Billy said) and I am loving watching how fast you are growing into yourself.

  4. It’s common to associate anger with being explosive and destructive, but I think that a quiet focused anger can be empowering in its own way. It has a zen quality to it, and it’s very useful when you have to interact with other people. One problem I have with it, though, is that occasionally I find myself looking for things to be angry about.

  5. I find that when I’m angry, I tend to lose control of my mouth. You’ve read my stories. Not that I have a lot of control, ever, but anywho. I usually realize later that I’m not a bit sorry for what I’ve said, it was usually deserved and necessary to make a point that wouldn’t have gotten across otherwise. Sometimes that point is “Kiss my ass, you sonovabitch!!” and sometimes that point is “That was unnecessary roughness, I don’t deserve that, and don’t let it happen again. Thank you.” I’ve learned that being an adult entitles you to feelings and actions that you weren’t allowed as a kid, because they were deemed disrespectful. And, as a kid, you have to learn to control those emotions, or you wouldn’t learn what was appropriate as an adult. We just have to learn to get past the teachings of childhood and realize that those emotions aren’t “wrong” like we thought as children, but “inappropriate for the situation at hand” which is what our parents were really trying to get across. In my opinion, anyway. What your parents and mine never seemed to get around to was explaining the time when it was appropriate. I can see how that would be hard to do, though. You sure don’t want to give kids ammo to be defiant! But you seem to be doing a great job figuring it out on your own. Keep it up, babe!

  6. Oh, and if you need me to back you up when you finally decide to tell TR to “Kiss my ass, you sonovabitch!!”, let me know.

  7. Awesome blossom! Well, like you said, you have to learn to not do anything about the anger when it right under your skin ready to engulf everything. Remember I talked to you about reading/hobbies…that is one way of taking care of the ‘energy’.

    You have already stood up for yourself. You have ALREADY taken the first step, when you left Mr. X to his ways.

    You have to find a way to sustain the healing momentum!

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