in the quiet

This new place I’m living has a lot more quiet.  Once you take out the eleven-year-old niece, the fairly-dysfunctional grandparents who are raising her, and all the noise I kept going in my head to keep their noise out, it’s really, really quiet.

And that’s good.

And that’s also a little uncomfortable.

The quiet isn’t just the house, which is a lot more quiet.  It’s also my life here (so far anyway).  Without any immediate family to speak of, save Miss Famous, my interpersonal obligations will be kept to work and whatever friends I decide to see.

That’s good.

And so far, not too lonely, but there is a smidge of discomfort somewhere in the background.

So what’s that all about?

Well, once I got back into the quiet–which I am definitely, definitely happy about; I would not go back to my parents’ house if you paid me–I felt a bit assaulted by memories and associations.  I moved quite a bit in my years with Mr. X  (4 times, give or take).  This is my first “real” move on my own.  (I’m not really counting when I left him, though I guess I could.  I was so shaky and out of it–it felt more like extreme lifesaving measures than simply “moving.”)  Somehow I kept imagining what it would be like making this transition with him.  Suddenly, he (who had been gone for quite a while) was around every corner and in every other box.  Suddenly, I was pushing him from my thoughts again, finding myself saying, “I don’t care what he thinks,” or “he’s not here.” (I use a lot of italics when I talk to myself.)

And today, in the middle of the HR orientation (which, I must say, was much less boring than I expected), I realized what was going on.  Without the distraction of my family’s dysfunction to focus on, I could finally get back to my own stuff.  So here I was.  Here I am.  And I have realized, in meeting new people and being thrust into new and exciting situations, that I feel much more fragile than I would like to admit.  I feel very vulnerable in a deep way.

I want to write for all of you, who have been my stalwarts, my cheerleaders for so long that I’m jumping up and down with joy every moment of the day.  I want to tell you I’m all better, so you can keep making those happy comments that make me smile.  I certainly have those moments, and I certainly can’t think of anywhere else I would rather be right now.  But I know that I’ve been wounded in a deep place, and that fragile feeling may take a while to shake off.


10 responses to “in the quiet

  1. It’s all a part of the “letting go and heal yourself” process. There will be times when you don’t even think about Mr. X. Then there will be those moments you look at something and EVERYTHING comes flooding back to you. It’s all normal. You just need to take it step by step or moment by moment. We will ALL be here for you, cheering you on even when you’re not jumping up and down. Nobody expects you to be happy 100% of the time. You’re growing and learning every day. Ever day is a new day, love. You’re doing great! Quiet can be good.

  2. Honey, if you sad you were jumping up and down happy 100% of the time, I would wonder. You haven’t had the chance to deal with everything yet. I think you are doing a phenomenal job reclaiming your life and I am so very proud of you.

  3. You are doing fantastic. Really. I’m glad that you have some much needed quiet now to work through the things that need to be processed. It’s not a quick job either. I know when I walked away from my crappy relationship it was quite a while before I didn’t have these crazy moments that would hit me and just frazzle me. I am glad you have your own quiet space now.

  4. It’s hard sitting in the silence – the past, particularly the near past, can be haunting. So who isn’t afraid of ghosts? And you cry, you quiver, you drink too much maybe – you give yourself a hug and realize that it takes time to heal. Happiness is not jumping up and down yelling hurray, it’s (I think) more like the quiet contentment that you made it – on your own terms.

  5. Sometimes the quiet gets to be too much for me too. I truly believe that talk radio (particularly C-SPAN, which is on the regular radio here and is 24-hours a day and non-commercial; you can get it streaming online) saved my life because it helped me from getting too much in my head.

    You are doing so good sweetie. You are making such great strides in developing a healthy life for yourself. Each day that you do something healthy for YOU is making you stronger. Hugs to you and Miss Famous!

  6. You are stronger than you think. Just realizing it could take awhile to get past that fragile place is strength in itself. We will continue to be your cheerleaders!! And I am so thrilled for you and Miss Famous to have a fresh start! 🙂

  7. Write for yourself, Raspberry! It is not that we will be there only when you write sweet things about yourself!

    Even with all the newfound independence and freedom, you are going to have your weak moments, and you must understand that your determination will take you through….Be a good employee….interpersonal relationships are naturally going to take their course. Invest yourself on your golden ticket, hon! You have had your share of people!

  8. While I haven’t been in your exact shoes, I moved around a lot growing up, so I understand a bit about what it’s like to be thrust into a new situation with new people, & having to start building a life all over again. Change is not easy — yes, it’s exciting in some ways, but it can be scary & draining too. (((hugs))) You’re doing great!!

  9. The quiet that is so loud. Sounds so difficult when all you want is to drown whatever memory you have of X and now he is there a lot of the time. I do think like the others that you are strong and have come a long way and you will get through this!

  10. You are doing GREAT!

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