And so I was thinking about this whole new blog thing, and it almost seems fitting, as I am starting a new chapter in my life. In the past year, I started blogging, and am now on my third blog (not quite my first choice as a writing style).
What I was thinking today was that each seems to mark a chapter. The first blog, my foray into the ALI* world of words started last December. I elected at the start of blogging not to tell Mr. X (yes, new blog, new name for the nemesis) that I had done so, though it was always my intention to tell him eventually. Long, long story short: the marriage fell apart due to his emotional abuse, he found my not-so-hidden blog on our shared computer, found some of my plans for escape, and escalated his assholery. That first blog was all about my infertility and marriage angst, and I fell in love with the back-and-forth between blogger and commenters. I loved the ALI community, and I found blogging to be cathartic and affirming in a way very different than journaling. During the time of my first blog, I very clearly “fit” in the ALI world: I was married and on a path (convoluted though it was) toward trying to have a baby. Much of my blogging had to do with my pain about infertility.
Blog, the second, was started just after arriving at my parents’ house after leaving Mr. X. I was literally shaking, and had very little anchoring me. My blogging community was a lifesaver in those days. I poured it all out, and received support and encouragement daily. So many days, it seemed that the only thing I really had going for me was reading blogs and trying to fashion together some kind of post of my own. I loved so much seeing the archives grow, seeing the categories grow, seeing the number of comments grow (I was almost to 1,000 total comments when I had to shut down. I had some plan to do something for the 1000th commenter…I know I’m corny.) So my “privacy issues” were basically my fault. I made a mistake with something, and it turned out that when I did a google search of my name a couple of days ago, I found my blog. I went around and around in my head about what to do, and starting over seemed to be the cleanest way, and the way I could be the most sure that I wasn’t found by Mr. X or anyone else IRL who happened to google me. Also, I really didn’t want to go password protected, for a number of reasons, some of which are logical, some of which aren’t. It partly makes me sad to shut down blog #2, but in a way, it feels good to shut the door on that chapter and open the door on this one.
If you were following my story on blog #2, you know that I recently got a job and moved out of my parents’ house to a nearby city with the dog. This feels like a new beginning on many levels, though I still carry the rubbish of the last few months with me. The divorce is not resolved. The house is not sold and is on the route to foreclosure (I’m mostly resigned to that–I just want it to be over with…mostly.). I still get kicked in the face (emotionally speaking) with some frequency with the issues of the past…well, I suppose they’re the issues of the present. I have decided to find a therapist.
So this is take three. Hopefully, I’m here to stay. I’d like to not have to email Mel again with another sad story about changing my blog. Again. At least in this calendar year, anyway.
And if you have any thoughts about the dog’s name, and if I should re-pseudonym her, please let me know. I could refer to her as Sheffers, which is similar to her actual name (kind of like Megs for Megan, or something). Or we could stick to the old pseudonym, which I kind of like, but I’m super-paranoid, if you haven’t gotten that yet. Or she could go all feminist on us, and become Ms. Doggy. What do you think?