hiding out

So in my nice new home, I have become somewhat of a hermit.

I’m totally o.k. with this.

At the end of the workday, and especially at the end of the workweek, I want nothing more than to come home and just be.  I’ve been watching a lot of TV, reading a lot of books, spending a lot of time online–all these things that for so long I was told –in one way or another–were wrong, or wasting time, or stupid, or why don’t you help me, or I need you, or don’t do that, or I’m home now why don’t you pay attention to me, or why would you want to do that, or is there something wrong with you, or why do you want to stay home, or we always stay home, or, or, or…

So for so long, whenever I had any chance at all (back when I was with Mr. X), I would stay home alone, if I could–away from the expectations, away from the judging eyes.  Somehow, though, there were always insinuations, or outright accusations that something was wrong with me for not wanting to spend my time in a different way.  Did it ever occur to any of us that if the rest of my time hadn’t felt like a prison sentence, perhaps I would have felt like doing something other than hiding out at home any chance I got?  Well, yeah, there’s that hindsight again.

And then in the months I stayed with my parents, I just didn’t have my own space, it wasn’t mine.  I was very much living in someone else’s home, and though I did not have the claustrophobia of an abuser breathing down my neck, I didn’t have much elbow room to just be.

So now, I know I need this.  I know I need not to pressure myself, and to socialize when I don’t feel up to it would be pressuring myself.  I think I’ve pressured myself enough for ten lifetimes.

So I stay home.  When Friday came this weekend, I felt a great sense of relief.  No getting up and going to work for two days.  No obligations.  No have-to’s.  No should’s.  Just me and what I felt like doing.

And what I felt like doing was spending a lot of time at home, by myself, making up for lost time.


11 responses to “hiding out

  1. I’m a homebody myself, and have had some of those same arguments with Mo. As though there is something wrong with me because I’m not as social as he is. Other times, he distinctly tells me that there’s nothing wrong with me, I’m perfect. Sometimes I just want to be ME, perfect, imperfect, just ME. I get how you are feeling.


  2. I’m so glad you were able to just be this weekend. I agree, don’t pressure yourself to do things. If you just feel like bummin around the house, then do it! You deserve to do whatever you feel like. Enjoy your weekends of doing whatever YOU want!

  3. This is your season to have your own space and fill it up however you please.

    Sounds truly divine.

    It’s so exciting to find out what lies beneath all the “shoulds.”

  4. That’s a little like when my hubby goes away – I actually like staying home and doing fuck all without any guilt at all.

  5. Me time is a great time! I think that’s why I don’t really mind when C-Dub goes to play golf. It gives me time all to myself.

  6. Isn’t it great that it’s your home and your space and you can do as you please!

  7. How very perfect! Your blog title is so speaking of your new manna…You must come back to yourself!

    Be good.

  8. I love my husband but I also love my “me alone at home” time. : ) Enjoy!!

  9. Days like that are so therapeutic. I’m so happy you are at this happier, quiet place.

  10. So proud of you for listening to your inner self and doing what you need to do to heal.

    What have you been reading lately?

  11. I LOVE Me time and am so glad you are enjoying yours!

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