Two weeks ago today I found out that the divorce mediation was scheduled.
And everything turned to shit.
Inconveniently, I was at work when I found out, and my body did the whole shaking thing that it hadn’t done in a really long time (but it used to do all the time, right around the time I decided I was leaving Mr. X and for a few weeks afterward). In general, I’ve simply felt more “down” since having the mediation scheduled, since knowing that I have to go back there, back to the place we lived together, since knowing that there’s a pretty good chance I’ll see Mr. X. (We’ll be in separate rooms for the actual mediation–costs extra, but I insisted.)
So there’s a big cloud following me around, and suddenly I’ve got muscle pain where there was no muscle pain, and suddenly, I’m having to take big, nasty, headache pills every friggin’ day. Just like in the months before I left Mr. X. The headaches had gotten down to a manageable level–still too many, but manageable. And now, I have a little migraine friend joining me everyday. Some days I think I’ll make it, but it never fails–not since two weeks ago.
And I am trying as hard as I can to take care of myself, but somehow the feelings are pushed down, mostly, because they’re coming out in my body more than anywhere else.
I would do many, many things to avoid having to make that trip, back there, to that city I got away from the best that I could, that place that still haunts my dreams sometimes.
But instead, I will try to keep taking care of myself any way I know how.
Tomorrow that means acupuncture. Sweet, delicious acupuncture. So, so not on the budget, as I’m coming off of not working for several months and a very tiny first paycheck. But the money will have to iron itself out later. The pins and needles helped me before, like I never imagined they could have, and that was in the last month before I got out of Dodge. That was when I still had to go home to Mr. X and he had a way of squeezing the good out of everything good. Needless to say, conditions are better now.
I am trying to care for myself as well as I would care for a child who was in my charge. If a child of mine were having these kind of headaches every day, I would make it a priority to do something about them, money be damned.
I am not less important than a child.
I don’t always have to have the leftovers. I don’t have to have the minimum amount of love. I don’t always have to have the scraps.
I don’t ever have to have the scraps.
So tomorrow I am going to get some acupuncture that I can’t afford, and I’m going to keep doing whatever I can to let that little girl who is still somewhere deep inside me know that she is loved, at least by me.
And someday she’ll believe me.