on pins and needles

Two weeks ago today I found out that the divorce mediation was scheduled.

And everything turned to shit.

Inconveniently, I was at work when I found out, and my body did the whole shaking thing that it hadn’t done in a really long time (but it used to do all the time, right around the time I decided I was leaving Mr. X and for a few weeks afterward).  In general, I’ve simply felt more “down” since having the mediation scheduled, since knowing that I have to go back there, back to the place we lived together, since knowing that there’s a pretty good chance I’ll see Mr. X.  (We’ll be in separate rooms for the actual mediation–costs extra, but I insisted.)

So there’s a big cloud following me around, and suddenly I’ve got muscle pain where there was no muscle pain, and suddenly, I’m having to take big, nasty, headache pills every friggin’ day.  Just like in the months before I left Mr. X.  The headaches had gotten down to a manageable level–still too many, but manageable.  And now, I have a little migraine friend joining me everyday.  Some days I think I’ll make it, but it never fails–not since two weeks ago.

And I am trying as hard as I can to take care of myself, but somehow the feelings are pushed down, mostly, because they’re coming out in my body more than anywhere else.

I would do many, many things to avoid having to make that trip, back there, to that city I got away from the best that I could, that place that still haunts my dreams sometimes.

But instead, I will try to keep taking care of myself any way I know how.

Tomorrow that means acupuncture.  Sweet, delicious acupuncture.  So, so not on the budget, as I’m coming off of not working for several months and a very tiny first paycheck.  But the money will have to iron itself out later.  The pins and needles helped me before, like I never imagined they could have, and that was in the last month before I got out of Dodge.  That was when I still had to go home to Mr. X and he had a way of squeezing the good out of everything good.  Needless to say, conditions are better now.

I am trying to care for myself as well as I would care for a child who was in my charge.  If a child of mine were having these kind of headaches every day, I would make it a priority to do something about them, money be damned.

I am not less important than a child.

I don’t always have to have the leftovers.  I don’t have to have the minimum amount of love.  I don’t always have to have the scraps.

I don’t ever have to have the scraps.

So tomorrow I am going to get some acupuncture that I can’t afford, and I’m going to keep doing whatever I can to let that little girl who is still somewhere deep inside me know that she is loved, at least by me.

And someday she’ll believe me.


18 responses to “on pins and needles

  1. I think the hardest lesson most women have to learn is to take care of themselves. You only have so much reserve of energy to give and some of it has to stay with you. Good for you for deciding where you’re going to draw the line. It’s never easy but it IS worth it in the end. Your health, physical, mental and emotional needs a priority as you move forward in this difficult time. I’ve been there, made the decision to make myself a priority, and let me tell you, it makes all the difference.

    Hope you have a great acupuncture appt! (((HUGS)))

  2. I am so glad you are taking care of yourself. {{{Hugs}}}

  3. You are in the homestretch, and I know you can finish the race. We are here supporting you and cheering you on, and loving you.


  4. “I am not less important than a child.

    I don’t always have to have the leftovers. I don’t have to have the minimum amount of love. I don’t always have to have the scraps.

    I don’t ever have to have the scraps.”

    Oh, god, have I felt that way. So many times, for so many different reasons. And I have to continue to remind myself of it. . .not because my husband tells me I’m less than, but because I somehow just assume that it’s so.

    Thinking of you.


  5. Awww sweetie, you and your little girl are loved by SO many! All of this is all normal. It’s all a mind game, having to go to this mediation. Not by him, but by the person you were when you were WITH him. You’re a beautiful strong woman, you can DO this! And if you’re not feeling very strong, let our words into your heart and soul.

    I hope that your pins and needles help you out. I agree, you DO deserve this! You deserve to be headache free!

  6. I’m sorry your headaches have returned. Methinks they will disappear again once you are rid of Mr. X for good. I’m glad you are doing something for yourself in the meantime. Do you have a friend or relative who can come with you to the mediation session, so that you’re not completely alone?

  7. Yes, you do deserve to be taken care of!

    Having gone through a divorce myself, I know it’s tough to walk through those final steps, but it is SO freeing!

    Know that we are here supporting you as you do this. Just take it one step at a time.

  8. I agree with Sheri – freedom is key! Just think of this as one step closer to freedom. It will be all worth it when it’s done!

  9. What a fabulous post. I’ve been reminded myself by a friend several times about caring for myself the way I would care for a daughter. It’s a good reminder.

  10. It will put you one step further along the path. I know it’s hard, but keep reminding yourself that you already made the choice not to let him hurt you anymore, and you.are.done. Now you’re just finishing up the steps to freedom. You can do this, all of this, and you *will* be okay.

  11. “I am trying to care for myself as well as I would care for a child who was in my charge.”

    This is just what my godmother tells me to do. You are taking such good care of yourself. I am so proud of you!!

  12. I am glad you are taking care of you. Think of this as one step closer to getting rid of Mr. X for good. You can do it!

  13. As Lori said about being in the homestretch – it’s true. The lungs are wheezing, the legs are heavy and your brain is telling you to quit, to just stop – but you won’t. The end is in sight – gather your strength and all the support you can muster! You have already done the hard part.

  14. awwww. I think you are doing a good job taking care of yourself. We are here for you if you need to get your shakes out online. {{HUGS}}

  15. GOOD FOR YOU for taking care of yourself. Money be damned is right! If you are suffering, then you deserve to feel better. Money can work itself out later.

    I’m so glad I met you this year. You know, when I read your post, my first thought was, “And I love you, too.” I do. I consider you my friend, too, and I wish your mediation was in Chicago, because I’d totally go with you.

  16. I’m glad you made the decision to take care of yourself. Good luck with the upcoming mediation – I know it can’t be easy.

    On another note – I missed a whole month of blog updates and feel really out of the loop. Thinking of you though.

  17. Good for you for taking care of yourself!
    Hope the mediation goes well.

  18. Oh my. We do have a most similar life, you and I, in a number of ways.

    People are right – taking care of you is the best possible thing in the whole wide world now. You’re worth it.

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