that being hit by a bus feeling

So the mediation went better than I was expecting, but as I was driving away from that city where I spent the last three years of my marriage, I felt relief, yes, but also an intense aching in my bones and a deep, deep tiredness.

When I got to my friend, Cherry’s house, about three hours down the road, I told her that I felt like I had been hit by a bus.

Well, you have, she said.  You’ve been hit by the divorce bus.

Another thing I noticed as I was driving away from the mediation was that the feelings I was having were not just about the most recent past, about this whole mediation agony, but about my entire relationship with X.  It felt like the book was shutting on that.  Our relationship has certainly been in it’s end stage for a while now, but this truly feels like the beginning of the end.

I don’t know what it’s like to be in any other marriage.  I only know what it was like to be in mine.  And this ending, this divorce, as bad as the marriage was, as detrimental as my entire relationship with X was to my very person, this divorce feels like a ripping out of something that has grown deep within me.  Something that has grown deep within and set in roots.  And ripping it out now, like a common weed, well, it feels like a lot of me is getting ripped out, also.

As dysfunctional as we were, maybe because we were so dysfunctional, I put so much energy, so very much energy into us, into keeping us going, into making him happy, into saving us.  The me was forgotten.  And now the me is all that’s left.

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13 responses to “that being hit by a bus feeling

  1. And who is “me”? That’s what I meant by the real work beginning. The earth has been scorched bare. Having been through my own version or scorched earth, I missed what had been planted there, nothing could take root…. Time to rest. Gather the bits and pieces of your heart.

  2. Divorce sucks, even if it’s good for you. When you got married you had ideas and expectations of what your life together would be like. The end is not just letting go of Mr. X. but also saying good bye to all the hopes and dreams you had for your life together.
    Sending you hugs and hoping that the journey back to you is a peaceful one.

  3. With divorce,like IF, the loss is so intangible. It’s the loss of a dream, a future you thought was set. It’s so wispy, we sometimes don’t think it’s even mourn-worthy.

    But it is. Even if you’re the one who wanted out.

    You got pruned. Now you can blossom.

  4. I agree with Lavender Luz- now is your time to bloom. A beautiful you…ALL YOU!! I am sorry that you are feeling ripped apart. {{HUGS}}

  5. See how beautifully you express yourself. If you can find a hang of what you totally feel, the road to recovery is in sight.

    I want you to put away those three years away, and go back to me from us.

    Good Luck.

  6. Even though I initiated my divorce, I went through a lot of grief and sadness. It was sadness for the loss of the dream of what I thought marriage was. It was loss for the relationship I thought I had…and sad about losing someone so close to me and having bad feelings about it all.

    I grew SO much through my divorce. I found ME again and am so grateful for what I have experienced and learned.

    It’s hard, but it’s worth it…

  7. I think you do have to go through some grief in order to move forward. It’s like, you have to deal with this part of your life in order to be a whole person. The me that is left is the best part of you. You can do this.

  8. “And now the me is all that’s left.” that’s not such a bad thing, hon! You are all you’ve got. And you? Are pretty awesome!

    I hope your body doesn’t hurt as much and your mind is feeling rested.
    *HUGS*

  9. I can’t add much more to the comments – they have all been put so well! What I was going to say which was kind of already said is that divorce feels like failure in a sense regardless of who initiated it and whether it is the right thing to do. (absolutely yes I think in your case!!). The beauty in it is the part where you get to find your true self again.

  10. I can identify so much with what you’ve written. Though my marriage is still hanging on by a thread, I find it difficult to let go, because the roots have grown so deep. Being married intertwines two people — especially when one of the two people is a serious codependent, as you and I both (are? were?). Anyway, no one expects you to be HAPPY about this. It is entirely acceptable to grieve, even if Mr. X. was and is a total and complete ass who never deserved you anyway.

    Thinking of you, and sending virtual (((((hugs))))) your way.

    Jo

  11. Divorce is never easy. If it was, I think I would worry even more about our culture. Your image of tearing a part of you out is very apt, because I believe marraige is intended to join two people and make them one. When divorce happens, even if it was very necessary, it is always a traumatic thing… I have to say, I have been very impressed as I have read your posts through all this, with how strong you are and how you have focussed on keeping yourself emotionally healthy through it all.

    *comment chain from Mel’s post… and I agree, the one-uppers are aggravating.

  12. Very difficult, but it is by losing that piece that you make room for the new you to grow (*hugs*)

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