During my session this week, my acu.puncturist, K, and I were talking about my “stuff” and my attempts to deal with it. She talked to me about a helpful mantra, a phrase that I could say to myself to calm myself when the shaking gets really bad, or when I start to feel really anxious (the two tend to go together, at any rate). I told her about a simple phrase that had come to me a while ago, over a year ago, I think. Recently, it came back to me.
My big phrase? “You’re doing fine.”
Now, this may not sound like any big revelation to you, but to me, it has been the only thing I’ve needed to hear, so many times.
The thing is, the older, more established voices in my head don’t say this at all; they don’t even know what “doing fine” means. The oldest voices in my head only know how to pressure and push, how to belittle and berate. So, “you’re doing fine,” can sound like a foreign language in the midst of the words I normally say to myself.
I say all that just to say, it doesn’t come easily to me, this self-kindness business.
So, K and I were talking about this, my attempts at self-kindness, and how lately that has looked a lot like hiding out in a cave, and not doing any of the social things that my head tells me I should do in order to make everyone else happy.
K then told me, that she thought that in the outline of my life, this time would be marked with a Roman numeral. This is one of the biggies, one of the marks in bold on the time-line. This time, this period of “divorcing from X” is a watershed moment in which everything about my life is changing, is changed.
Roman numeral time is sacred. In Roman numeral time, we can often find earth-moving lessons in the most mundane affairs. In Roman numeral time, we ourselves are open to be changed. Something about one’s life being laid bare can get you down to the essentials, can open you up to seeing what you couldn’t before.
So my priorities now are being tweaked a bit. In the light of all that, pressuring myself to get A, B, or C done just seems silly. The task for me now, today,as I heal, is to move through this time with an awareness of the significance of this phase and to love myself the best I can through it.
After all, “I’m doing fine, it’s Roman numeral time.”