This weekend I was able to spend some time with my parents and younger sister and her family. I loved seeing my nieces and being called Aunt So-and-So again. What I didn’t love was the punch in the gut feeling that a seemingly throw-away comment by my sister to her daughter left me with.
And the comment isn’t all that important, because where I ended up with all of it was way down the bunny trail…but I made a realization. I think that a big part of my current struggle, if not the majority of it, is about my feeling judged by others, my knowing that I’m not living up to their standard.
And I don’t want it to bother me, I don’t want to be so concerned with “their” judgment and approval, but the majority of the first thirty-one or two years of my life were spent in pursuit of the approval of those around me, and that’s a hard habit to break. And, yes, I’m dealing with the why’s behind this preoccupation of mine, which lately is a lot more subconscious, which is why it took me so long to figure out that it’s still there.
So I’m continuing on the journey to love myself to a better tomorrow, trying to accept myself as I am, and working on letting go of the urge to get the stamp of approval from those whose opinions don’t matter as much as I’ve believed for far too long.
Will this get easier at some point?