status change

My change in status, from married woman hoping to have children to single, (almost) divorced childless woman has sparked a whole host of growing pains and discomforts for me.  I now find myself in a completely different category, and at times I think that others aren’t quite sure what to do with me, what to talk about with me (no husband, no kids, hey, let’s talk about my dog!!!!) and I’m sure it’s not unrelated that many times I’m unsure about what to do with myself.

This is not as true with people I know well, but comes up with a vengeance with new introductions.

As a married woman, people knew how I “fit.”  As a single woman well out of her carefree twenties, well, it seems I don’t quite fit into society’s roles and rules.  And the fact that I am not alone in my position, the fact that there are countless other women in my shoes, so to speak, does not really change the fact that there is a bit of awkwardness in the small-talk circle.  You have a husband and/or kids:  they know what to do with you.  You don’t:  um, so how’s your job?

And I am coming face to face with the fact that I myself used to see (still see?) single and/or divorced women my age as somewhat pathetic.  Now I have crossed over to this category, and my own belief system has become exposed.  As Hirshmann and Munter say, “The world that exists outside of us exists within us as well.”  The prejudices of the world have been stamped in my brain and have become my own.  Unlearning them will be a big part of becoming comfortable in this new space called my life.



8 responses to “status change

  1. That’s happened to me before. I usually chuckle at the irony of it and do my best to find out where I fit. I hope it comes easily for you.

  2. I am sorry about the status change. I think IF puts marriage under a tremendous strain. I am surprised more people do not separate actually. It’s almost as inexplicable as falling pregnant, why some people do and other people don’t. I wish you good luck with this status change. I’m glad you are blogging and I hope it helps you through.

  3. I struggle with many of the same things. Defining yourself is never easy, whether you’re in a relationship or not. Separating YOU from your spouse, your kids, your roles in life, is difficult and I applaud you for working so hard to do just that.


  4. I hope you find a place or a way that you feel you fit in. It’s often hard for whatever reason but especially when you are going through so many big changes.

  5. I think we’ll always be confronted with reevaluating who we are and what we believe in. You have your core beliefs- be kind, be patient, love the loveless- but the other things get murky as we get older. Everything we endure makes us stronger, more compassionate people.

    Also- to cure uncomfortable conversation- read two magazines: Harper’s and the National Enquirer. You’ll never have to talk about your personal life again.

  6. Here from Mel’s Friday roundup — how did i miss this one?? (It’s been a busy week…!) As someone who is childless, albeit with a husband, I could have written a lot of this post — it still applies! I don’t think people know quite what to do with me, either. As for myself, it’s been 8 years since we gave up ttc, & I’m still trying to figure out where I fit in & what my life is supposed to look like. One of these days I might figure it out…

  7. Boy, transitions always do a bang up job at bringing out the awkward, huh? Still I’m impressed with your sense of self and awareness of your new place in life. I think that will give you a step ahead while learning about the new person you want to be.

    Great post.

  8. I get what you are saying. I was married at 28 only to be divorced 5 months later (ahem) and then by the time my divorce was final, I was the unmarried 30 that no one knew what to do with!

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