It seems that the farther out I get from the “Great Escape” the few things that were easier at the beginning get harder.

Like only thinking of the bad times.

Like seeing this whole mess clearly, without any yearnings to be back in a marriage that was killing my soul bit by painful bit.

I can remember the good times now, and frankly, I’d rather not.  Remembering the good with the bad just brings up a whole new level of pain that I would rather not experience right now, thankyouverymuch.

It is so strange, thinking of X’s new girlfriend—or whatever she is to him now, I’m really not privy to that information.  I feel like someone has usurped me, someone has taken over my place, even though it’s a place I know know know that I do not want back.

So jealousy juxtaposed with that certainty is an odd feeling, indeed.

If I thought living with him was a mindfuck, living without him is more so.

I had no idea, months ago, that I would be feeling such grief on the eve of this whole thing becoming final.  I thought it would be pure relief.

One thing that is becoming apparent to me, is that there is no purity of feeling in this.  Only grief mixed with relief mixed with pain mixed with hope mixed with anger mixed with anticipation mixed with anguish.


5 responses to “untitled

  1. QuietDreams, your honesty is so refreshing, even as its absolutely heartbreaking. I can so identify with what you write, even if our circumstances aren’t exactly the same. Those “good” memories are what keep me in my marriage when all that seems to surround me is shit. I wish you were feeling better about all of this — you deserve happiness like no one else I know. But, in the meantime, keep being honest about how you truly feel — acknowledging it is the best way to move past it, or so I’ve heard.

    As you’ve so often told me, take care of YOU today.

    Lots of bloggy love coming at ya.


  2. I’m sorry for all the sadness, pain etc you are feeling. Sending you healing wishes and hoping that things become a bit less painful soon.

  3. There is a Buddhist principle that is called mutual possession of the ten worlds. In a nutshell, all of those feelings can exist at once and there is hope in each one of those worlds.

  4. You don’t have to make sense of your feelings. Just feeling them as you are is the best way to release them.

    The loss isn’t of HIM. The loss is of what you thought you had, your dreams, the defined-ness of your life.

    What is ahead of you is very exciting. Unlimited choices, a blank page on which to write the rest of your life. That can be very scary, too.

    For now, you are doing exactly the right things, being the authentic QD. BECAUSE YOU ARE FEELING THE GRIEF.

    Bravo. Bravo.

  5. I remember feeling the grief AND knowing that I was doing the exact right thing.

    I agree with Lori in Denver…the sadness you feel may come from the loss of the dream, more than the loss of the relationship, especially in light of both the good and the bad memories.

    Feel all of your feelings and know that this too shall pass.

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