After all the torturous angst leading up to it, yesterday basically felt like a non-event.
I know, right?
Monday night, the eve of the finalizing, was something, all right. Actually the whole weekend month leading up to yesterday was something.
Friday night I socialized, but begged off fairly early, not even really sure why I didn’t want to join in for a couple more hours of good conversation.
Apparently I needed to bawl my eyes out for a good long while, starting with the drive home, that’s why.
And then, there was Monday night.
What broke the camel’s back (the camel being my attempt to ignore my feelings, I guess) was the dog. No, not some cutesy little antic to warm your heart. She was not at her best, is one way to put it. La Famosa does not mind well outside, and decided to teach me a lesson on Monday night when I took her out for her last potty before bed. She went into her favorite hiding place, this hedge-type thing in the backyard (we call it the Big Green Monster), under which I cannot go and then she Refused. To. Come. Out. I found myself standing in the cold rain (because, yes, it started to rain while we were out there), feeling as frustrated as I ever remember feeling, and the damn dog wouldn’t come when I called her. Not for me, not for treats, not for nothing.
Standing out there in the rain, calling my dog who wouldn’t come, feeling the weight of my impending divorce like a tank bearing down on me, I lost it. I started to cry (pretty loud, I think—sorry, neighbors!). Eventually the canine came out of the Green Monster and we went inside, but the seal had been broken.
I found myself at an utter loss to even know what I wanted. To be back with X? Not a chance. To never have met him? That wasn’t right either.
The whole thing just felt shitty. I was in a mostly bad relationship for a few years, and I got out, and the whole situation just felt really shitty.
And then I woke up the next morning, talked to the judge, was declared divorced, and it felt like not much at all. I waited all day for the other emotional shoe to drop, but it didn’t happen. Then I came home, found the continuing education schedule for the university here in my mailbox and got really excited about taking a photography class.
What’s this? Is that “happy” I’m feeling? Wild.
Now, I don’t pretend to think that I’ll never cry again over my marriage, but it does feel like I got over a really big hurdle. I’m feeling excited about the next few months. Crazy.
So thank you, thank you, thank you to all of you for all of your support and encouragement. It means so much, so much more than I can say.
And Miss Famous and I have made up. Though I have started putting her on a leash before that last potty break of the night.