Posting has been a bit light lately, perhaps because I’m starting to feel like a bit of a broken record here. You know: happy, sad, happy, sad, ad nauseum.
What happens is I’ll start to feel really good and hopeful and all that and then, in the way of grief, I’ll step back into the mourning again. The thing is, after getting a taste of happiness, something in me fights so hard against feeling the sadness and anger again. It’s like part of me thinks that if I ignore my feelings enough, they’ll go away.
And this has never been the case with me. Ignored feelings just seem to ferment and double in size like some kind of grief-dough.
A year ago, things in my marriage started their final downward spiral. The abuse got more and more overt and the bearable times got more and more rare. It seems that I am experiencing some anniversary grief.
So while, yes, things are better, and no, I wouldn’t trade where I am for anything, and no, I would not do anything any differently about the last year, there’s still a lot to work through.
I have an appointment on Tuesday with a therapist. I’m a little gun shy, particularly as the last one I had was fairly mediocre.* But it’s time.
And having better insurance now that will pay for it doesn’t hurt either.
P.S. On the work front, I applied for a job that just came open. It’s that other position I talked about before as a possibility. Apparently someone decided not to go back to work after maternity leave. At least one other co-worker is applying, which we discussed and decided it would be best to hedge our bets. If either of us gets the other job, it’s good news.
*My last therapist definitely helped me to some degree, but there were some major ways in which she could improve. I’d give her a C+; I’m looking for an A+ therapist this time around.