Posting has been a bit light lately, perhaps because I’m starting to feel like a bit of a broken record here.  You know: happy, sad, happy, sad, ad nauseum.

What happens is I’ll start to feel really good and hopeful and all that and then, in the way of grief, I’ll step back into the mourning again.  The thing is, after getting a taste of happiness, something in me fights so hard against feeling the sadness and anger again.  It’s like part of me thinks that if I ignore my feelings enough, they’ll go away.

And this has never been the case with me.  Ignored feelings just seem to ferment and double in size like some kind of grief-dough.

A year ago, things in my marriage started their final downward spiral.  The abuse got more and more overt and the bearable times got more and more rare.  It seems that I am experiencing some anniversary grief.

So while, yes, things are better, and no, I wouldn’t trade where I am for anything, and no, I would not do anything any differently about the last year, there’s still a lot to work through.

I have an appointment on Tuesday with a therapist.  I’m a little gun shy, particularly as the last one I had was fairly mediocre.*  But it’s time.

And having better insurance now that will pay for it doesn’t hurt either.


P.S.  On the work front, I applied for a job that just came open.  It’s that other position I talked about before as a possibility.  Apparently someone decided not to go back to work after maternity leave.  At least one other co-worker is applying, which we discussed and decided it would be best to hedge our bets.  If either of us gets the other job, it’s good news.




*My last therapist definitely helped me to some degree, but there were some major ways in which she could improve.  I’d give her a C+; I’m looking for an A+ therapist this time around.


9 responses to “anniversaries

  1. Good luck on the job front. And, good luck with the therapist.

    Ate you going to join my book challenge this year?

  2. I’ll be thinking of you Tuesday. I hope this therapist is better than the last one. And good luck on the job front!

  3. Oh, I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you!!!!! All you can do is hang in there when the feelings get tough. You are amazingly strong, and I can see good things in store for you.


  4. Grief is a weird thing – it comes back and back until you finally find a place to put it, at which point it only comes back occasionally.

    I *love* “grief-dough.” In fact, I may steal it, if that’s OK with you 😉

    Good luck with the job and the therapist too. With regard to the latter, don’t be afraid to shop around!! There are a lot of mediocre therapists out there, but when you find a good one it is irreplaceable….

  5. I think that the back and forth with grief and happiness is all pretty normal. I’m sure it can be frustrating to be back in a place feeling grief again when you know that you’re better off where you are now but it doesn’t change the fact that where you are now is much different from where you thought you would be and where you had hoped to be. I hope the therapist is an A+ one this time around. Hugs to you.

  6. I’m so glad that you are searching for the right therapist for you. It does make a difference.

    Much good luck with the job app!

  7. Anniversaries are such landmarks!

    Good Luck finding a great therapist, and the job as well.

    Have you tried meditation? Is there some Vipassana centre close to you?

    Good Luck for 2010! 🙂

  8. Grief dough. That should be in the dictionary. It rises, it falls. I agree with the meditation – it goes well with therapy. When I was in therapy, I found my chanting really helped me move quickly through the worse parts.

  9. Anniversary grief is a bitch. I’m sorry. Seriously. I’m dealing with it myself and I barely have words to put it into. I don’t know what to say about it.

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