I realized recently that a lot of my time has been taken up lately by thinking about food and my body. Food thoughts include (but are not limited to): what I want to eat, what I shouldn’t eat, when will I stop wanting to eat that, why I eat when I’m already full. All of this food stuff has been exacerbated by the recent news of high cholesterol. Yippee. My body thoughts are generally dominated by uncomfortable obsessions about my clothing size and punctuated by moments of body hatred.
Of course, if I’m thinking about obsessed by thoughts of food and my body, it doesn’t leave much room for what’s really going on, now does it? And what’s “really” going on has very little to do with either food or my body, and a lot more to do with all the feelings that get stuffed below the surface when I turn to those old familiar ways of coping. Apparently it’s much more comfortable to think about what I should/shouldn’t be eating and how awful my body is than about how bad I’m hurting, than about the feelings that I am working so hard to escape.
And there ARE lots of feelings there, just ask my dreams. Lots of bad horrible dreams lately. Mr. X usually has a starring role.
Or you could ask my therapist. Apparently when I gave her my long, sad story I seemed close to hyperventilating. She also pointed out that I seem a bit hypervigilant, which seems to be an astute observation. (I’ve actually been thinking about that one quite a bit and think that this may be part of why I’m so into being alone lately. Less to be vigilant/hypervigilant about if you’re by yourself.)
So there are feelings there which I am trying my darnedest not to feel. They seep through though. Like right now, I haven’t even said all that much about what the actual feelings might be, but I feel on the verge of tears. Which may be why I’ve put off writing this post and just resorted to reveling in Miss Famous’ cuteness.
So I am working on following my acupuncturist’s advice. We talked a lot about this during my last session (for me, she’s practically as good as a therapist, herself). In following my Needle Lady’s advice, I’m trying to shift my focus from “fixing myself” to “loving myself.” Which is hard when all those body thoughts keep telling me I’m unlovable.
I know, know, know this is not about food or my body. I know it’s about the pain that I’m storing deep inside. Pain about the divorce, pain about the marriage, pain about being childless, pain about not having the kind of life I thought I would have at this age, pain about disappointment. Take your pick.
I have my second therapy session tomorrow. Looks like we’ve got our work cut out for us.