feeling it


That’s the word my Needle Lady had for it today.  I had been using the word depression, mostly trying to describe how I was feeling (loss of interest in just about everything, loss of energy, difficulty concentrating) and less to diagnose myself.

Sorrow is probably more apt.

And I hear the words coming from somewhere in my mind, telling me I’ve mourned long enough, stop moping, what’s wrong with me?  Strange, the thoughts seem to have the voice of Mr. X—well, fuck him, as my Needle Lady said, shaking me loose a bit with her choice of words.

Why now, though?  I’ve definitely been through peaks and valleys, so why such a valley now?

I think receiving get (Jewish divorce) has a lot to do with it.  That was truly the end.  The end of all the legal ties to Mr. X.  There are no more papers to sign, no loose strings to tickle my consciousness.  It’s done.

And it’s sad.

This whole divorce was absolutely, 100% the right thing.  No doubt.  But it’s still sad.  And I am still learning how to deal well with sad in my life.  Generally, I’m more comfortable brushing it aside, covering it up, putting the lid back on the pot.  And I know, I know, it doesn’t go away like that.  It will only move on when I stop jerking my hand away, when I allow myself to open the door and feel it.

So I’m trying to feel it.

I’m a bit overwhelmed, as I’m a little out of practice at facing uncomfortable feelings head-on.

But it doesn’t have to be perfect, I suppose.  It just has to be felt.

A line I’ve quoted here twice before seems apt today:

“There are some feelings about which there is nothing to do.  Some bad feelings simply need to be felt.  Only after you begin to feel them will you be able to find enough inner comfort to address them.”*

*from this book


7 responses to “feeling it

  1. My Teacher pointed out to me that “emotion” has the word “motion” in it. Meaning, it’s meant to move. We do all sorts of things to avoid emotion, and I agree with your quote that all we really need to do is have the courage to feel them, which allows them to move THROUGH us.

    I’m a bad one to say this (pot/kettle) but see if you can drop the “shoulds” about your feelings, and just allow them to be and to move. If you do your part, they will do theirs.

    You are doing well on this road, DoQ. You will look back on this time and see this.

  2. Sorrow is a good word for it. I try to distinguish depression from sadness/sorrow in my mind this way: Depression is chemical, sorrow and sadness are situational. Still, it’s a tough and subtle distinction.

    FWIW, when my mom died, it wasn’t until all the “details” were done (which took months) that the sorrow and real grief set in. And it was awful. It was like once all the running around was done, quiet set in, and the quiet was heavy and filled with a sadness like none I’d ever felt before. It was the finality of it, that from that point my life was changed. There was no looking back, life was going on and it would be forever changed.

  3. Great post. Something I think I need to work on too.

  4. Sometimes we rush through grief as though there is supposed to be a time limit on it. You know like, well, like the marriage ended this day, so I should be over the next. It is what it is. You’re different than you used to be and it takes a while to get used to it.

  5. I think truly facing grief is probably the single most courageous thing a human being can do. It can’t be done all at once, but over time the facing, in bits and pieces, helps us find a place to put it, so that although it’s always part of us, it doesn’t define us anymore.

    Be gentle with yourself.

  6. It’s a loss — the loss of a marriage, the loss of a dream, the loss of the man you thought you knew & loved. It needs to be grieved like any loss, and as Deathstar said, it has its own timetable. Hang in there!

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