un-love letters

My therapist had a suggestion for what I could do with some of these feelings that seem to threaten to drown me at times.  She suggested I write Mr. X two letters (not to send, of course)—one to tell him about the things that I missed about him, and one to tell him about how angry I am.

The angry letter is still waiting to be written.  I think I need to get a strong visual of Mr. X in a powerless state (maybe bound and gagged?) before I can write it.  I even have a hard time telling him off in my mind.  His voice is still so strong in me, that I know what his responses would be, and well, I never was able to win an argument with him.  Apparently I can’t even win one in my imagination.

So the angry letter will have to come another day.  It will come, though, as I have not been able to forget about it.  It won’t leave me alone.  It’s been quite persistent, so I may need to write it just to get it off my back.

The “miss you” letter, though, I was able to write.  I wrote about two pages of “I miss this that and the other.”  I noticed that before I had written a full page, the things I was missing seemed to be tainted.  Mixed up in the memories was a sour taste.  Sure, I miss going on walks with X, but I remember quite a few walks where he took the opportunity to tear me down, one city block at a time.  Sure, I miss remembering things with him, but I do not miss the subjects he would throw back in my face, sometimes “joking,” sometimes not.  I wrote that I miss hearing him tell me I’m beautiful, I’m sexy, but I can’t think about that without remembering the time he told me he wasn’t attracted to me.  When we were in bed, naked.  And then he held it over my head that I couldn’t just forgive and forget.  There are very few pure memories, if any.

I ended up with two pages of “I miss” and six pages of “I do not miss.”

I don’t miss the belittling.

I don’t miss the discounting of my feelings.

I don’t miss how selfish a lover he was.

I don’t miss his moods and unpredictability.

I don’t miss the constant worrying about his precious feelings, about his fragile state of mind.

I don’t miss his neediness.

I don’t miss how I always seemed to be to blame for his unhappiness.

I don’t miss being afraid of his anger.

I don’t miss hiding from everyone what an asshole he could be to me.

The things I miss come in bits and pieces.  They are the little things, the details.

The things I don’t miss are made of wholecloth.  They are the foundation, the walls, the roof.

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15 responses to “un-love letters

  1. That sounds very cathartic I hope it helped! ICLW

  2. It sounds like you really worked your way through this process and that it was very therapeutic.

    Good for you!

  3. Good for you for getting as far as you could with this exercise. I think you did a great job as I’m sure it was a hard thing to do.

    ICLW Hugs.

  4. Sounds like your letter writing therapy is working. Wow what a journey my friend. A new friend and follower here. happy iclw

  5. Wow, I think this letter writing therapy is really working. Those last two line…“The things I miss come in bits and pieces. They are the little things, the details.

    The things I don’t miss are made of wholecloth. They are the foundation, the walls, the roof.”…say so very much!

  6. What a healthy idea, I hope it is helpful for you.
    -ICLW

  7. I really like this idea. Like you said many of the “good things” were minor and were totally eclipsed by the fucked up shit he did to you. ❤

  8. Just visiting from ICLW…sounds like you did yourself a favor by getting out of that marriage. I hope your life path becomes a great one!

  9. That does sound like a good plan. I may have to try that sometime with some of my relationships.

  10. Sounds like a great exercise in venting those feelings to help you keep moving forward.

  11. Love this exercise the therapist gave you.
    And good for you for coming up with 6 pages of I don’t miss as opposed to 5 of miss!

  12. It does sound incredibly cathartic, and very good to get out onto paper. I hope it helps.

  13. I hope this helped you to sort things through in your brain. It sounds like it. You are so tough for facing your emotions and creating a better life for yourself.

  14. This sounds like a good exercise from your therapist! And don’t worry, the angry letter will come. Hope it helps to get everything out on paper

  15. What a very powerful post.

    Sounds like you have the foundation for your angry letter.

    Did your therapist know this would happen? It seems brilliant.

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