be careful what you wish for

Last week my focus became wanting to feel these feelings that I have been numbing out to through eating, etc.  It became a new goal, of sorts.  I started trying out a new strategy for bringing consciousness to my eating, with the hope that I would become more aware of the feelings that were staying below the surface.

Well.  If I didn’t know it before, I know it now.  There’s a good reason that I’ve been eating/numbing for so long.  On Thursday the feelings started poking their little heads out, and it basically felt like panic.  I started back with the hands shaking, etc. (and I’m still having that).  I felt like I was going a bit crazy, or already there.  I realized that the anxiety felt really familiar, though it normally wasn’t at that level.  It’s been there a long time, and I’ve been doing anything I can to push it away.

Well, it’s not getting pushed away anymore, at least not totally.  I’ve had a few professionals (my doctor, my Needle Lady, and my therapist) tell me that I’m not going crazy and to be gentle with myself.  So that’s the plan for now.  Oh, yeah, and to try to feel some of this scary stuff that I’ve been pushing away for months years.

My commenting will likely be a wee bit light, but I’ll be back soon.  Just trying to catch up.

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6 responses to “be careful what you wish for

  1. In Buddhism, we say that when you are about to change your life, the dirt gets stirred up in your glass of water. But you keep stirring and things will become clear.

  2. I like Deathstar’s comment on Buddhism. I have a feeling that once you get past this initial stage and become more familiar with these feelings, it will get easier.

    Hang in there. Write your feelings down…in your journal and/or on your blog. You CAN work through this. 🙂

    We are here to support you…consider us your fan club! Go Quiet Dreams, Go!

  3. Thinking of you and sending many good thoughts. Hugs to you.

  4. No advice, just cheering your strength and sending support.

  5. Thinking of you and sending you calming, peacful vibes girl.

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