Just about one year ago today, I was reading the book that removed the last bit of blindfold from my eyes. I started to understand why my marriage, my entire relationship with this man that I loved with all my heart was so. damn. hard. Once I realized, once I knew that we didn’t just have “problems,” but rather that our whole relationship was built on the quicksand of emotional abuse, nothing was the same. Knowing brought clarity, but I can’t tell you that I didn’t wish then that I could turn back the clock, un-read that book, un-ring that bell.
Well, unless it’s your first time here, you know that there was no way back for me, and that it became obvious that I had to leave, for my own sanity, my own safety. And after I left, he confirmed, over and over, that I had made the right decision.
One year ago I didn’t know all of that. One year ago I didn’t even know that I would leave. I just finally had a name for the mind-game that was my marriage.
One year ago was the end of my delusion, but it was the beginning of the most difficult changes I’ve ever had to make.
I’m coming up on a lot of important dates. I’ve been watching their place on the calendar, the sharp point on the compass that pulls me back around into a full circle. Soon will come the date that I decided to leave, then the date that I last saw him before his out of town trip that would give me the cover to pack and leave (coincidentally, this was also the date that he stole my debit card out of my purse), the weekend I had to sleep at the Dynamic Duo’s because I couldn’t bear to be in my house, even without him in it, and finally, the day that my mom arrived after a two day drive and the three of us (my mom, Miss Famous, and I) left in our rear-view mirrors the city that held the last place I would call home with X.
There was a vast amount of change in a very short period of time, and now, finally, the things outside of me have calmed down enough, for long enough, for me to really address the chaos within.
I just went through a valley in this journey to healing. I don’t expect it will be the last one, but hopefully, with each one that comes, I will gain a bit more confidence that I will get through the pain, that feeling it will not kill me, and that there is light on the other side, that there is another side.
Almost a year ago (11 months and two weeks, more or less), when I drove across the border into my home state again, almost immediately, I started noticing the bluebonnets. Kind of corny, I know, but I really felt like they were welcoming me back, this symbol of springtime that I grew up welcoming each year.
You can celebrate some more perfect moments over at Lavender Luz’s.