So I was very antsy tonight.  I was watching a DVD on my computer (Nurse Jackie, if you’re interested), but I kept pausing it about every five minutes or so to check, to check Bloglines, to get a snack, to open the fridge and stare blankly at it’s contents before closing the door, to check the laundry, to do nothing.  I had had kind of a down feeling all evening (actually, since the afternoon), and the good part is that it feels different than it felt before, I could just notice it, it didn’t engulf me.  Still, it was there, and I kind of wondered what it was about, but not too much, I mean, not to the point that I actually tried to figure out what was going on.  Right.

So I was away from the computer and the DVD for a few moments and it hit me, square between the eyes:  I miss him.

And I don’t have to remind myself that I’m so glad to not be with him, and I don’t have to remind myself of how awful it could be to live with him, to be tethered to him, because that part never leaves me.  I don’t forget that part.

What I forget is that I had fun with him.  What I forget is that the most exciting times of my life were spent with him.  What I forget is that I was in love with him.  What I forget is that I’m probably still in love with the person I thought he was.

For about a week or so I’ve been having these really good memories of X and me.  Memories that make me happy to remember them.  Very bittersweet.  Memories of feeling happy with him.  (And again, no need to remind anyone of who he really is, and what he really did, because that’s the part that doesn’t go away.)

It’s been kind of amazing to reconnect with the happy pieces, because, well, without them it’s like the six years or so we were together just becomes a black hole, pages ripped out of a diary.

I was talking to my friend, Cherry, about this earlier this week, about how I’ve been remembering good things, and not feeling awful about it.  She said, good, this is more real.


The thing is, it’s so much easier not to miss him.  It’s so much easier just to focus on the waste, on the sadness, on how much I have left to heal, on how much he took from me.  That’s easier, believe it or not.  To only see the shadows of our time together.

That’s easier, because then I don’t have to miss him.  I don’t have to miss how it felt to share so many inside jokes with him.  How I would just say a couple of words, and he would know the whole story behind them.  How it felt to laugh with him.  How it felt when we were happy.  How good it was when it was good.

But this is real.  This isn’t a fairy story where things are strictly “good” or “bad.”  This is not black, is not white.  This is starting to see the picture as a whole—the shadows, the light, the color, the darkness.

And it’s sad.

And sometimes it feels like such a waste.

And I know I have much left to heal.

And I know that he took so much from me.

And I miss him.


8 responses to “real

  1. Do you think that missing him opens the door for you to consider new relationships, though? As in, you don’t necessarily miss HIM, but the idea of being close enough to someone to share inside jokes and quiet moments. I think it’s pretty much a given to miss the good things that you no longer have.

    Maybe this just means that you are getting ready to come out of hiding and enter the world again soon. On the other hand, maybe it’s a new defense mechanism that you’re putting up to distract you from dealing with other things.

  2. Well, if you were to be only dipping your feet in sadness, you would have been so unfair! Unfair to yourself, and the time that once brought you together so.

    It is cliched, but I am happy that you look at the good moments too. It is like now you not only see the darkness, but also see the stars that shone through.

    It is hope for you. Reading your posts, I think he has moved on.

    It is time for you too. Rejuvenate and Replenish. But heal first!

  3. Thinking of you and sending hugs.

  4. Great post! I loved the line: “What I forget is that I’m probably still in love with the person I thought he was.”

    I found in my divorce that I was in love with the illusion of what I wanted to believe, and that may have been what kept me in it for so long.

    I’m in the midst of writing a story of my relationship to my ex-hubby, (my kids’ father who has passed away), and I am remembering so many good times.

    It’s been refreshing and healing for me to remember all sides of our relationship. But I will say that it has taken a while to get to this point.

    Have a great weekend!

  5. “What I forget is that I’m probably still in love with the person I thought he was.” That in itself is not enough to sustain a healthy marriage. Of course you already know this. It’s wonderful to have a partner to share things with, have a history with. You will have this again. When you are ready.

  6. I think it’s perfectly normal to still love him and think about the good times. I also think it’s pretty fantastic that you can be so honest with yourself and us about it.

    I sort of feel the same way about Peaches. I know who I thought she was and I miss that person. I don;t ever wish the veil never came off, I’m glad it did, but I still love the person who I thought she was.

    You’re doing a great job, love!

  7. I just spent the last hour reading your posts on the Great Escape. Thank you for writing that! I also left a VERY emotionally/verbally abusive husband about 6 years ago. I was right there with you during each post. I have 2 kids with him so the ties are harder to break. The abuse still continues to some extent. He actually wrote “Fat Nasty” in the comment memo of one of my child support checks. Yep, he was THAT guy. He also drained our bank account while I was in the hospital for complications with my 2nd pregnancy. With the automatic bills still set to come out the account ended up almost $500 in the negative by the time I was released from the hospital. It was a horrible time. It took 2 years before I dated again, and 2 more years of dating my husband before we got engaged. So, yeah the healing does take a while. There will be a time when you won’t miss him.

  8. I think it’s normal to miss him. It’s part of the grieving process. It just takes time for your heart to move on even though your mind already has. ((BIG HUG))

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