I just found out that a former friend is pregnant. I say “former” because she and her husband were friends of mine and X’s, and since the split, I’ve heard nary a word from him, and received one short message from her, which I replied to in great detail, and then didn’t hear a thing.
I had somewhat made peace with the fact that these two would no longer be in my orbit. I even understood a bit, as X was friends with the guy for a while before I entered the picture, and I know that feelings of loyalty can be complex. Anyway…
So I found out on the face place this morning that she is pregnant (not sure how far along, but she’s showing and shopping for maternity clothes). I was punched in the gut by feelings of jealousy, and this reaction surprised me greatly.
I’m not sure why her pregnancy affects me more than others’…maybe because I have this couple so strongly connected in my mind with my time with X. Maybe because X and I married three years before they did, and yet there were no babies (or pregnancies even) for me.
I think that this has clarified for me that there are so many things about my life that are not as I would choose them to be. There are so many things about my life that I would change. I am finding it far to easy to idealize this couple’s life, and see them as the symbol of what might have been with X and me (had he not turned out to be an abusive raving lunatic).
I find myself wondering what I can do to change those parts of my life that I find unsatisfactory. Clearly, some things are out of my control. Some are not.
Today I am reminded that, though the intensity of it is usually kept well below my awareness, my deep dream of becoming a mother is alive and well.
P.S. Please don’t tell me about all the ways that my dream may come true. Today I just need to feel this, I don’t need anyone to “solve” my problem, or make it better for me.
Update: OK, upon further thought I realize that what is bothering me most, is not the actual jealousy, or sadness, or grief, or whatever you want to call it, it’s that I’m having those feelings at all. Apparently a big part of me thinks that I should just be over this whole thing and that there is something wrong with me if I feel this way at all. Which then snowballs and gets me feeling super crappy. So I am working on telling myself that it’s OK to feel what I feel, that I’m OK, and more cheesy stuff like that. Still not happy that I don’t have a baby and maybe never will (ahem, see: P.S., above), but am feeling better about myself. Onward and upward.