to be honest…

I’ve kind of gotten sucked into watching a certain high-octane, high adrenaline show.  I watch it via streaming on Net.flix, which means that there’s ALWAYS another episode ready to watch.  This is not necessarily a good thing for my productivity, and it probably explains, at least in part, why posting has been so darn light.

And it’s a way for me to not be in my head, or maybe, be in my head and not in my body, to not be present.  Though, goodness knows I know no shortage of ways to avoid being present.  This is just one I can point to and name.

And, yes, Kristin, there is eye candy.

In other news, apparently Mother’s day was affecting me more than I thought.  I think I was just feeling an undercurrent of discontent about the whole day that mostly stayed below the surface.  Last night in group, however, I let out a rant about how I felt about the “holiday.”  (To be fair, we were in a conversation about how the day was for people, and I was not the only one displeased with Mother’s day in general.  Ahem.)  This piece by Anne Lamott (which Lavender Luz turned me on to) articulates my feelings about the topic much better than I ever could:

But Mother’s Day celebrates a huge lie about the value of women: that mothers are superior beings, that they have done more with their lives and chosen a more difficult path…I hate the way the holiday makes all non-mothers, and the daughters of dead mothers, and the mothers of dead or severely damaged children, feel the deepest kind of grief and failure.

Oddly enough, despite all that, I actually had a decent day on Sunday with my family.  I think it was more the constant reminders (F-book, commercials, etc. ad nauseum) coming from other places that connected with that place inside me that feels like a failure for not being a mother, and just served to highlight that feeling.

Of course, my conscious self doesn’t believe that I’m a failure.  It’s that pesky place inside that is so hard to reach, and yet so persistent that believes this (among other also problematic things).  Pulling these thoughts and feelings into consciousness is no work for cowards, however.

Which may be why I’ve been watching so much Prison Break.

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6 responses to “to be honest…

  1. This, a thousand times over: “Of course, my conscious self doesn’t believe that I’m a failure. It’s that pesky place inside that is so hard to reach, and yet so persistent that believes this (among other also problematic things). Pulling these thoughts and feelings into consciousness is no work for cowards, however.” Oh, how those resonate within me. I might have to quote you on that one. Hugs to you, my friend.

    And Prison Break? Wentworth Miller. *wipes drool off the keyboard*

  2. No, you’re not. At all. Ever. And I firmly believe you’ll be a mother someday. But that’s neither here nor there. You are a brilliant, wonderful, loving woman who got dumped on my the one person you should have been able to trust in your adult life, and that compounded onto all the other stuff. Be fair to yourself. It wasn’t for lack of effort, after all. The ‘Assholio Factor’ was strong in that one. Look for less assholio, more Jedi!

  3. I agree, no failure here. Sometimes though I wish I could get at that damn little voice of illogical and choke the shit out of it. Yes I have one too and we aren’t friends.
    Hang in there, enjoy the eye candy and just keep telling that little negative part it’s lying and to shut up.

  4. I don’t know why I never hooked onto Prison Break….nothing stands between me and Desperate Housewives, but the trailer of PB does nothing to me.

    Mothers’ Day reminders went ad nauseum. Lot of ALI bloggers wrote about it. The media was full of articles, and even my local paper (local supplement) did 8 pages of coloured snaps of smiling mothers and children and how great it felt.

    Interestingly, I did not feel anything….

  5. He is definitely nice eye candy! Don’t know why I never got hooked by prison break but I didn’t. Might be worth watching to see him though.

  6. Damn, I did it again. Second time today I have posted my comment before I was done.

    And, honey, I do believe you’ll be a mom someday. I can’t wait to get to celebrate that day with you.

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