I’ve kind of gotten sucked into watching a certain high-octane, high adrenaline show. I watch it via streaming on Net.flix, which means that there’s ALWAYS another episode ready to watch. This is not necessarily a good thing for my productivity, and it probably explains, at least in part, why posting has been so darn light.
And it’s a way for me to not be in my head, or maybe, be in my head and not in my body, to not be present. Though, goodness knows I know no shortage of ways to avoid being present. This is just one I can point to and name.
In other news, apparently Mother’s day was affecting me more than I thought. I think I was just feeling an undercurrent of discontent about the whole day that mostly stayed below the surface. Last night in group, however, I let out a rant about how I felt about the “holiday.” (To be fair, we were in a conversation about how the day was for people, and I was not the only one displeased with Mother’s day in general. Ahem.) This piece by Anne Lamott (which Lavender Luz turned me on to) articulates my feelings about the topic much better than I ever could:
But Mother’s Day celebrates a huge lie about the value of women: that mothers are superior beings, that they have done more with their lives and chosen a more difficult path…I hate the way the holiday makes all non-mothers, and the daughters of dead mothers, and the mothers of dead or severely damaged children, feel the deepest kind of grief and failure.
Oddly enough, despite all that, I actually had a decent day on Sunday with my family. I think it was more the constant reminders (F-book, commercials, etc. ad nauseum) coming from other places that connected with that place inside me that feels like a failure for not being a mother, and just served to highlight that feeling.
Of course, my conscious self doesn’t believe that I’m a failure. It’s that pesky place inside that is so hard to reach, and yet so persistent that believes this (among other also problematic things). Pulling these thoughts and feelings into consciousness is no work for cowards, however.
Which may be why I’ve been watching so much Prison Break.